A lot has changed recently
in my life. It has become clear to me
that these recent changes are in fact a part of something that has been happening
for some time. Change is after all on going in a life and is normal. I have
not, however, been truly conscious of what has been a transformational and systemic
change. I have viewed events separately but
have not been unable to process these as parts of a whole picture. To use a tired but useful metaphor, I have
been in the trees unable to see the forest.
This process has
been an emotional one. As one woman in
a critical thinking course observed, it is difficult to understand the meaning
of an experience on an intellectual level before fully experiencing and
describing the impact on an emotional level.
Analyzing feeling can be a way into understanding meaning. Whether this is everyone’s process, it has
been mine and it has not been pleasant.
Perhaps because of
Christmas or because it is time, I have done a great deal of reflection in the
last month about my feelings and the experiences that have precipitated
them. I have come to some understanding
of what recent changes have meant to me.
I am now able to analyze and make sense of my experiences in a more helpful
way, helpful at least to me. But as Nora
Ephron in “Heart burn” wrote (and I paraphrase) “It is my story and I get to
tell it the way I want.” I will frame my
thoughts and make sense of what I am experiencing, in light of theory about
change and transition and also systems dynamics. I teach this theory to people in organizations
to help them make sense of and take action during times of organizational
change. I have found this theory helpful for me to make sense of my personal
change within the context of my family system.
First some
definitions. Change is about what
is happening that is different – the new situation. In
light of a family, it is about the last child leaving for school, marriages,
grandchildren, and the physical changes that come with aging. When I consider
this concept, these changes have been ongoing. There is always change in our
lives. Just as a caterpillar changes to
a butterfly, this change is unstoppable and continuous. We are born and we change and die. Although change is sometimes dramtic, it most often gradual and cumulative.
This “accumulation” can have tipping points where endings are
obvious and intense, like falling over a precipice.
Although it is clear that the changes in my family
have occurred over a period of almost 14 years.
Five children have married bringing
new people into the family, spouses and children. They have moved away, some very far
away. After 38 years of children in my house, my
last child has left. I have turned 60
and am experiencing a reduction in physical capability. These events have created a tipping point for
me now. Individual events have
accumulated and have brought me to a precipice. Change can and has created a personal
crisis for me and this has affected those around me.
Although change is
normal, there are always losses and there is also the possibility of renewal. What is familiar is changed and relationships
are challenged. It is helpful to be intentional about
understanding and increasing one’s awareness.
Using theory and language that puts experiences into a broader context
and perspective, possibilities emerge that can help to depersonalize events,
reduce emotion, and encourage learning.
It is important to understand what has changed. It is also important to understand the impact
of the change. That brings me to the
next concept, transition.
Transition is the psychological process that people
grow through as they adjust to their changed situation. Transition occurs at different rates for
different people as they make sense of what the change means for them. People can move through transition with a
minimum of pain depending on the circumstances.
Or, the pain can be overwhelming and they can become stuck and fail to
fully adjust to the change at all. There
are three stages that are predictable and standard and these stages begin
paradoxically with endings. Endings are fraught
with pain and loss and grieving. The second stage is a neutral zone where although
it is clear that there has been an ending, the new beginning which is the last
stage, is not yet clear or able to be accepted. The final stage is the new beginning where
the renewal occurs and change is fully understood and embraced.
Transition, our
adjustment always lags behind the change.
The “new beginning” which is the last stage of transition is in fact the
acceptance of the change that has already occurred or been introduced. Depending on a variety of factors resident in
the context of a situation and the person, transition can be more or less
painful and can happen slowly or quickly.
My purpose in writing this is to facilitate the speed of my own
transition. I hope as well that it may
be helpful for others who may read this blog.
There are always
losses associated with change, even when the changes are positive. These occur and are experienced in the
“ending” stage. When one marries it is
wonderful, but there are losses of freedom and
shifts in personal and individual identity as new roles are explored and adopted. Endings bring grieving responses that are
similar to those experienced when someone dies.
The deeper and more personal the
change, i.e. one that affects personal values, beliefs, assumptions and world
view, the greater the loss and the more difficult it is to transition to the
new beginning. The stages of loss
include:
·
Denial –
An initial rejection of the change as not possible. “That won’t happen to me or us…”
·
Anger –
This can be directed, misdirected or undirected and is expressed and or turned
inward depending on the personal style.
·
Bargaining
– This included unrealistic attempts to get out of the situation, strike a
deal, make big promises and try to negotiate the change away.
·
Anxiety
– Again depending on the style, this is silent or expressed fear, nervousness, or
negativity.
·
Disorientation
– This can include such behaviours as forgetfulness, losing things, and making
mistakes.
·
Depression
–This is a very frequent and often a long standing reaction. This can be manifest as fatigue, low energy,
withdrawal, short temper, crying, unwillingness to try anything new, and negativity.
These reactions are
not necessarily sequential but can occur somewhat randomly and in response to
particular events for example, family gatherings, holidays etc. About endings, transition theory (i.e. William
Bridges) says to expect and accept the signs of grieving because they will
occur. In this three to fourteen year transition I have experienced and
demonstrated all of these reactions, every one. It has
been terrible for me on a personal level because these responses are not
consistent with my sense of self and identity or my personal values. These reactions
were and are surprising to myself and others. They have been confusing, disheartening and
destructive to me and my relationships within my family. This article and the one that follows is my
exploration of the factors that have made this period of endings just so very
difficult.
The neutral zone is
characterized by anxiety, confusion, ambiguity, frustration, mixed signals, and
anticipation. It is important not to
force decisions about how to act or be and to the try to “fix problems” too
quickly. With significant change there
are a lot of things to figure out and much has to be temporary as the change
and how it will work is figured out. Redefining
it in a positive light, creating temporary systems, strengthening relationships
and being creative are all important.
Transition is easier
when the end is known. When a new house
is purchased or a move is made, there is clarity of what must be different –
new schools, doctors, friends etc. This kind of change can be planned. There are things to be decided and adjusted
to but what is needed is clear and can be managed like a project. Outcomes can be defined, actions planned and there
is a sense of control. In
transformational change, the end is not known and therefore the plan of action is
not clear.
Transformation cannot
be planned. It must be facilitated as
exploration is required rather than movement to a defined outcome. Decisions are often best guesses,
improvisations that work or don’t. This
is a very difficult process in an organization and no easier on a personal
level. I am in the midst of
transformational change. The end is not
clear for me and perhaps at my stage of life won’t ever be. I don’t know how my life will unfold and
there is no “project planning” that can be applied to figure this out. For a
person, like myself, who has always been goal oriented and intentional about
achieving defined outcomes this is particularly challenging. It is challenging for others as behaviour may
be unpredictable.
Transformational
change can be supported when it is understood within a larger perspective. Since the end is not known, to understand how
to explore and test possibilities the whole map of the present world is
needed. One doesn’t know where one is
going to, but it is helpful to know where one is now. This requires
systems thinking. I will use systems
theory to explore and understand this personal transformation by considering
the system in which I live. In my case,
because of my value system and life choices, family is of particular importance
both in understanding both my change and my transition.
A system has parts
and the parts have interrelationships. A
change in one part of a system affects the other parts of the system as it
operates. There are forces at work in
these inter-relationships and in system dynamics terms, parts of the system can
experience “ripple effects” as there is change.
Change in one part of the system affects the other parts of the system
through these “ripple effects”. In a family for example, a marriage affects
everyone in the system, not just the individual marrying. All family relationships are affected. Although some of these “ripple effects” are predictable,
most are not. For example, behaviours driven
by expectations and values of spouse’s family of origin culture are often
surprising, confusing and challenging.
Individuals within the family often struggle to understand, accept and integrate
these differences in behaviour. The bigger
the change or in this case difference in behaviour, the larger the “waves”
through the system. What activities are engaged in, what food is
eaten, what topics of conversation deemed acceptable, are changes that impact
the entire system and in turn affect both the new and the existing
relationships.
Because of the
interrelationships between the parts of the system, individuals in a family for
example, all behavior is linked. How one
individual responds affects another, creating a dynamic or driving force. This dynamic can be both helpful and unhelpful. What is important to consider is that because
everything is connected, related and constantly impacting other parts of the
system, there can be no blame on any one part.
No one person or part is the problem.
If there is a problem it is a system problem. Any problem has multiple contributing
factors as every part impacts the whole.
This is important to me because, I have frequently felt blamed and increasingly
have felt labeled as a problem. There is
no individual solution either.
Solutions must be considered systemically. A system cannot be “fixed” by “fixing” one
part, the entire system must be considered.
Individual change must be mindfully considered as it affects the
system.
From my recent
experiences, I can conclude that I am mostly in the neutral zone although family gatherings may still stimulate an endings response. I have fully recognized what has ended and what
it means to me. I have now however figured out what replaces what has ended. Both my present and my future are ambiguous. For me everything is up for scrutiny and analysis. I am in the process of redesigning my life, what
I do and what I expect from myself and others.
This is both deep and personal and will undoubtedly have impacts on
others close to me, some more than others. I can hope for but not necessarily expect
support and understanding from others in the system. With mindfulness on my part this too can hopefully be
managed.
My life’s work has been dedicated to helping
others make sense of their experiences rationally. Through increased awareness that theory and
reflection brings I have endeavoured to enable intentional action to improve
life and relationships. This entry has
provided the framework for my thinking about my personal change. The subsequent blog entries will explore
issues related more specifically to this transformation and explore and
document what I have and will continue to learn through this process.
