I mostly grew up in Scandia, a community originally settled
by people from Sweden or Norway. Scandia is a hamlet and today has 46 “dwellings”. Many more than when I lived there. There was a lumber yard, an apiary, a general
store, a school and the grain elevator but pretty much everyone in the
community farmed – mostly mixed farming.
There was little diversity – just religion. The three “established”
religions were Lutheran (Missouri Synod), United Church of Canada and Roman
Catholic. I quickly found that being “Mormon”
was not okay. Overhearing derogatory
remarks on the party telephone, a best friend who could never “sleep over” and
being challenged by my grade three classmates about my non-attendance at church
all got the message through. Being told
not to “fold my arms” during the Lord’s prayer by a grade three teacher who
told me she had gone to the Mormon church and they didn’t do that had me learn
to hide any religious differences. I
became adept at avoiding “Mormon” language and terms. I kept my activities - Primary, Young Women’s,
summer camp to myself.
These experiences did not lessen my testimony and love of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I compared all community
experiences to my church experiences and the community ones always came up lacking. The Sunday meetings of our little branch in
Rainer were what were real. It felt like
home there. Stake Girls Camp was a wonderful time. To be surrounded with so many girls who all
spoke the same language and had the same religious experiences was wonderful. I quickly made friend with girls from
Rosemary, Barnwell, Taber and Bow Island. There are women who I still hug and
are excited to see almost 50 years later from those brief summer camping days.
The church continued to be a central part of what I did and
who I was. My identify was forged as a
member of the church. It was what I loved,
what I did and defined what I strived to be.
I had wonderful role models, Arlene Evans in particular, women who were
strong and intelligent and questioning.
I saw myself like that and wanted to have what they had, a temple
marriage to a true friend and a family.
My patriarchal blessing assured me that I was on track with being who
Heavenly Father wanted me to be.
When I dated, after several short relationships, I chose the
most religious boy in the school to date.
Although he didn’t understand all the doctrine of the church, he was
committed to living a spiritual life. We
shared a love of the Saviour. We dated
for several years and I really loved him.
I came to realize however that unless he shared my testimony of the
restored church he could never really understand who I was. That was too much a part of me. I shared
this with him. He later investigated the
church and without my knowledge, was baptized.
He said it was not because of me, but that the missionaries had taught
him more about the Saviour than he had ever known. I believed him. When I prayed about whether we should marry,
the answer was clearly no. His parents
would never have accepted me and likely him either. They were “Evangelical Free” members, devoted
and his father would not talk to me when I visited.
I married and had children and developed a professional
life. I had a lot of problem integrating
the two sides of myself – the life as a Mormon wife and mother and a professional
consultant. It was easy to hide my
Mormon self from my professional colleagues.
That was just like being in Scandia.
It was not hard to hide my professional role from people at church. With those that would not understand, I simply
adopted the same behaviours I used with non-members colleagues. I didn’t want to have to do that
however. I wanted to be able to be my
whole self all of the time. When I found
people with whom I could share both sides of myself, they were my best, deepest
and dearest friends. I was fortunate to always
have some of these women in each ward where I lived. I am
I have learned over the years to feel comfortable with both
sides of myself and have learned that I can expect to have varying degrees of
closeness with other people. I find now
that my best friends are usually those who understand spirituality and who are
interested in exploring ideas. For my
non Mormon friends that usually means that they are religious. It matters little to me whether other women
are employed. Neither does it matter how
old someone is. It is really valuing thoughtful
mindful growth. I care about that so
much. When that thoughtful mindful
growth includes a commitment to the Saviour within the organization of the
church, there is total comfort and freedom to talk about what matters most to
me. I am most able to be who I really
am. I can freely give and receive in the
quest for wisdom and knowledge.
Sometimes people and relationships change, prompted by personal
experiences. That has happened rarely
with friends but it has happened. It was
very painful. It can also happen with
family members. For me it is always fraught
with pain, grief and anguish. I am experiencing
it now and there are times that I am overwhelmed with the loss. What will I do without the closeness and the
peace that comes with that trust? I feel
like a part of me is dying. I am not
just losing the other person as a friend and confidant, I am also losing myself
and my world is narrowing and becoming smaller.
I am trying to face the fact that I will have to adopt once more the old
careful behaviours that constrained me for so much of my life. It is confusing and I do not know how to
proceed. I don’t really know how to use
these behaviours with people who I love so deeply. Perhaps because I don’t want to. The scriptures
often talk about experiences that “words cannot express”. I understand the difficulty and wish I was
more able to express these feelings perhaps even to myself.
