PERSONAL IDENTITY

One Sunday, not long ago my grand daughter Audrey, just a month short of 3 years old, wanted to change her clothes and wear a dress. Obliging her request I found a costume Cinderella dress that her cousin Dotty had worn extensively at Christmas time. We thought it was perfect and that she would be happy. “I look like Dotty!” she said. We quickly and positively replied, “Yes you do!” thinking that this was a positive reason to wear the dress. Audrey didn’t look happy however and after a couple more encouraging remarks from us and her thrice repeated comment, “But I Audrey!” we understood. As nice as the dress was it made her be Dotty not Audrey. We quickly found another solution to the dress dilemma, a much too small jumper that had been Anne’s. In spite of it looking more like a shirt than a dress, Audrey was happy, secure in the knowledge that there was no confusion about who she was.

I have been thinking a great deal about this concept of personal identity. Who are we really and how do we develop and act on our personal identity? Over the past couple months I have been somewhat surprised by feedback from clients and associates about who I am to them. Recently for example, I attended a short session led by a colleague / client and program manager at UoC. She told me after the workshop that when I walked in the room, her nervousness vanished. I am always so calm and positive and she feels so good around me that with me there, she knew the session was going to go well. As the “motivator/ high school spirit speaker” or “missionary:” as another colleague described me after observing a workshop and the high energy person I have often seen myself as being, this comment was surprising.

Another client had recently told me that she thinks I know everything. She was talking about organizational/interpersonal behaviour theory. Oh how I wish that were true!!! I read so many books,she said, the same ones that she does, but I remember more. She says that she feels like she needs to take out the dictionary when I leave. I feel so lacking when I compare myself to Marilyn Herasymowych.

She also says that she really appreciates that she can say anything to me, and it is never a problem. Consequently I am easy to work with. My bookkeeper, on the other hand said yesterday that when she began to work with me, I terrified her. When I asked her why, she said that it is because I am so confident and competent. She was also surprised when later in the discussion, I told her that I dislike being a project manager because I don’t like telling people what to do and holding them to agreements when situations change. She thought that I would be very good at that. So…. calm, accepting or hard to please?

I recently had the occasion to spend time with a colleague who in my perception is extremely hard driving. Whenever we work on a project together, I have felt challenged to work as hard as she does and turn work around as quickly as she expects. She is both conceptual and extremely detailed. I have to work to keep positive about my capabilities when I am with her. It was interesting to note little inconsistencies in this perception that I noted in our time driving together and conversations at home, which illuminated some things about me.

For example, she never goes to self serve gas lanes if she has the choice. She likes to be served. I never, yes never, go to these lanes and even avoid gas stations that do not have pay at the pump. I am impatient with being served. I dislike waiting for people to do for me what I can do for myself more quickly. She also, never does any housework and her husband takes his shirts out for cleaning. I do all my own housework and likely always will. She was surprised at the canning I had done. It turns out that in many ways I realized that I am has hard driving and likely hard working as she is, only in different areas.

Another reality about our identity is that our behaviour changes in different situations and that we are the composite of all of those moments and identities. Who we are, at least on the behavioural level, changes in different contexts. Our identity to some extent is a reflection of what others see us as being. They interpret our behaviour through the lens of their own hopes, fears, anxieties and values. Their expectations, whether positive or negative, influence our behaviour as they act on their interpretations, creating a dynamic that changes our own reactions. My children see me differently than my husband, my friends, clients, colleagues and workshop participants. Men see me differently than women and church members see me in ways that non members don’t.

I was amazed when at my sister’s funeral each of her daughters gave a eulogy of their mother from their own experience and perspective. Marion was a different Mother and person to and with each of them. In her perfect acceptance, she affirmed and shared the interests of each and developed and showed parts of herself differently with each. I realized that as rich as my understanding was of her because of the many hours of personal dialogue, there was so much I did not know about her. I wondered what I could have done or should have done to allow her to share even more of herself and her loves with me. It is my intention, what is in my heart, as a parent and grandparent to be perfectly like that, like she was, in this regard.

Perhaps the most frustrating and painful experiences in my life have been those times when the judgments of others, close to me, were negatively at odds with my knowledge of my own intentions. The result of these judgments and negative beliefs and assumptions, has been misinterpretations of my behaviours. I have felt at those times confused and somewhat powerless to be myself. Was I as terrible as they said? Did I need to drastically change who I was and what I did? What could I do to have them understand me better? Or was there little that I could do and their comments said more about their own fears and assumptions than about me? I have learned that just accepting and loving the other person frequently works in the long term and that there seems to be little that can be done in the short term. I have at those times just wanted to be understood, accepted and loved and like Audrey, I just wanted to be able to be affirmed to be the person that I was inside.

Another piece of this complex idea of identity is that who we are, both to ourselves and others, changes based on the context of the situation. Our roles, the requirements of the situation, the stresses we are experiencing, and our lack of skill and experience are just some of the factors that impact our behaviour. These serve to create beliefs in ourselves and others about who we are. In reality we frequently fall short on the behaviour side of the identity equation, how we are able to act on what we want and intend to do and be.

Perhaps the most powerful concept that I have learned in my work and what I try to teach others about, is the power of holding a basic assumption that people come from the best of intentions. I believe this concept to my core. No one purposely tries to do badly in this life. No one tries to be a bad parent, a poor employee, an insensitive friend, or a selfish citizen yet evidence may be easily gathered to affirm those judgments at one time or another. We are told in the scriptures for our good and the good of others, not to judge. Wise advice, since we all have these gaps and shortfalls.

What is the answer to the challenges of who I am? Am I who I am in my own head, a collection of all my best intentions? Am I collection of all of the behaviours and actions good and bad, ineffective and effective that I have demonstrated throughout my life? Am I who others think I am? I am grateful that for our heavenly parents and Jesus Christ, the answers are clear. The scriptures say that Heavenly Father judges me not by what I do but by what is in my heart. I believe and want to know this reality continuously. He alone knows perfectly who I am and what my intentions are. He knows the struggles of my heart, the pains that I experience and challenges I face in bringing my actions more closely in line with the example of the Saviour. I am thankful that he is patient as I seek to bring my behaviour and intentions closer and to figure out how best to act on the love and acceptance that I feel in my heart for others.

Piano memories

Instead of running or weightlifting while Anne is in seminary, I practiced the piano this morning instead. Erica Burt, a young woman at church asked me to play Sleigh Ride as a duet with her at the Relief Society Christmas party and accompany her when she and also the young women sang. I had been thinking about how much I was missing singing in a choir and musical groups, only to be asked to do this and sing a duet in sacrament meeting just a few days after. The piano duet is challenging and I have been practicing a lot. This morning, it started to be easy and so I am confident that by Thursday I will not embarrass my self or my partner.

Being able to play the piano has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. I remember playing on the piano as a preschooler wishing I knew how to play real songs. When we moved to Lethbridge, Julie, Janice and I took lessons from a Mrs. Baines, a very old, immobile, but pleasant lady. I never minded practicing, that I can remember, but I was annoyed at the simpleness of the music. "Here we go up the hill to a birthday party" will be forever in my mind. When we moved to Scandia there was not teacher and lessons stopped until the schools in Bow City, Rainer and Scandia were centralized and I went to Rainer. Before that Scandia, Jenny Lind, had been a four room school with grades 1-12.

Arthur Belcher, a piano teacher, was going to give lessons during school in the old Quonset next to the school. Anyone who wanted would have 30 minute lessons during the school day. Mr Belchur drove from Calgary to Rainier and other schools in the County of Newell. Snow storms never stopped him and for $8.00 a month I had lessons until I got too busy to practice in high school. He was short, with grey hair dyed red and chain smoked through the lessons. He had been a concert pianist and now had dedicated his life to teaching farm students to play any instrument that they wanted - mandolin, violin, guitar. He could play jazz, Chopin and what I especially liked was that he taught me how to chord with popular songs that he printed out. Along with the classical pieces, these were fun and, even when they were simple, made me feel like I was a great pianist.

I practiced about four days a week and soon learned to play hymns and primary songs. I was called as the chorister in Sacrament meeting when I was 10, Janice was the organist and as the primary pianist when I was 11. I loved playing and many hours were spent in Mom and Dad's bedroom where the piano was. Mr Belchur thought I was wonderfully talented and was so encouraging, kind of embarrassing me with praise at recitals. Alas, practicing scales and paying attention to the detail of getting every note right, was not my forte and I have always felt that my potential was not realized.

Now it is Christmas and I am looking forward to playing for our Christmas Carolling party. I sort of feel like this event is selfish because I don't think anyone enjoys singing as much as I enjoy playing. I do so love it. One of the fears of my life is that I will get arthritis in my hands and won't be able to play. I would so love to be like Elsa Myers, still playing in Relief Society in her 90'sa. Perhaps by then, Alice,Elise, Ella or Dotty will also be able to entertain me. Then again it might be a rockstart Audry. She is getting an early start in this picture.

Dream Girls

I couldn't resist posting these pictures of Elise, Sam's daughter. When Elise comes to visit she loves to watch videos where there is singing and dancing. She loved the CATS DVD and she also loves Dream Girls. Here she is being a Dream Girl. It makes me remember what it was like to be so completely in the pretend world and really feeling it. When I was her age I was obsessed with being a ballet dancer and and would dance around with plastic glasses on my feet. They made me feel like I was dancing on my toes and a beautiful graceful ballerina. I so wanted a tutu. I was also fascinated with being grown up, not surprising for the youngest child. Make-up was a must. My grandmother thought I was very spoiled when my mother let me wear bright red lipstick and ear rings to church when I was four. I hope Elise never forgets this wonderful feeling of truly being what you "dream".

Holidays and Balance

This week we went to a meeting of a bunch of church members about a vacation opportunity. It is actually a great idea that several of the couples have. In short it is this. 20 or so couples all each put in $200,000.00 to buy 5 high end vacation properties in places like Las Vegas, Florida, Hawaii, California and then share the upkeep cost which would be about $500 a month and have the opportunity of 12 weeks vacation a year in the fanciest resorts possible. They all seemed to be in hot, beach places. A very reasonable idea but we realized that of all the types of vacations that exist, that kind is the least interesting to us. Being in a high consumerism, hot and beach type vacation is not what we enjoy. I like adventure, exercise, learning, exploring and family. Holidays are supposed to create balance in our lives. It got me really thinking about holidays and assessing this summer and its holidays.

This year we are having so many holidays. It has somehow just happened, but has also been fueled by my obsession for fun and balance to my perception that I always work. For me it started in June with a two week visit from Erin and her three kids. We had two weeks of intensive kid oriented fun i.e. swimming, hikes, zoo, Heritage Park, parties etc. So wonderful and great!! We then went to the Shuswap Lake where exhaustion set in and I was forced against my will to spend 2 days doing nothing but preparing a few meals and reading a novel. That was a very hard for me but useful learning. It gave my mind and body the rest it needed to fend off Alzheimer’s for a bit longer. I also had the best ski I have every had. It was super long almost to the point, then down, then up again with a deep water slalom start. I felt strong like I haven’t for years.

The trip to Utah was another marathon of activities – shopping, hiking, hanging out, cooking and of course the drive there and back. Every time I drive through Idaho and Montana through those beautiful prairies hills I long for my youth, horses and long rides. So, on the August long week-end I organized an overnight camping trip with a ride included. It was great. We tented at Buffalo Plains Campground. It was an oasis of a few trees in the middle of the prairie by Fort Macleod. We got their early, cooked on a camp stove, read our books and sat around a campfire. Of course we slept on the ground which is the least fun thing. Yoga in the sunshine, scripture and pancakes and real bacon topped off the morning. After an interesting morning at “Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump” to feed our brains with historical info we picnicked in the Old Man River bottom campground. Our ride at a ranch, nestled in its own valley west of Claresholm began at 2:00. The horses were great – real ones with personalities and get up and go. Our guide was an honest to goodness cowboy and outfitter. He suggested with gallop and told us great stories along the way. After two hours we were sufficiently crippled and left tired and super happy. After a Chinese supper at Ken’s Restaurant in Nanton we drove home, excited for our bath tub, beds and TV.

This week feels like a holiday of sorts as Anne is away at EFY. We are trying out the empty nest and finding it quite pleasant. We still have three holidays to go. Next week-end Andy and I are having a getaway in Waterton at Kilmory Lodge, for our anniversary. We plan on going to the temple, hiking and hanging out. On the Labour Day week-end we will go out to the cabin again to put in windows and new Tyvek covering. Then it will be to New York and Jack’s baptism. Blest we are. Balanced I am not so sure.

I am ORANGE and a Motivator

I have finally got around to having my personality “colours” done using the “Discovery” tool from Insights. There is a lot of buzz about this particular instrument in organizations and I felt a bit pressured to learn what “colour” I was. I often get asked by clients and training participants. It is based on Jung like Meyers Briggs. In spite of a bit of a difficult time in doing the inventory and feeling like I didn’t answer consistently, my profile said exactly the same thing that others have. In relation to Jung I am still a strong extravert, absolutely split on thinking and feeling and also high in intuition over sensing. Apparently Meyers Briggs added the Judging Perceiving and since it was not in Jung’s original theory it is not used in this particular instrument.

I got exactly the profile that I expected and predicted. I am orange and my type is called a Motivator. The first paragraph of the two and half page description of me give you an sense of the accuracy. “Eager to add to her knowledge, Esther is passionate about researching significant new subjects that capture her interest. Hard work, busy schedules and merit based remuneration are hallmarks of the way Esther prefers to work. Fatigue and pressure from over-commitment may trigger stressful reactions in her. Often her enthusiasm and drive makes her overwork.” Man, I can’t blame anyone but myself. As Beth Stringham once said to me after I was trying to justify not getting something done because I was so busy, just then. “Esther that is just how you are, you are always too busy’.

“Esther has a real zest for living and enjoys company. Writing important facts or steps down on paper helps her keep from getting side-tracked, but she may lack the discipline necessary discipline to do this well.” Hello – time management workshop..... I know it works I just don’t do it all the time.

“She prefers to deal with a variety of situations, people and events, all at the same time. She may find it hard to prepare as thoroughly as she should.” Heh and all of my children benefited from early instruction on how to prepare talks for primary during sacrament meeting. Is this so bad --- yes we all know it is often not a great way to be.

Some other insightful comments.... “She does not appreciate critical comments about her personal qualities as she sees these comments as personal attacks on her integrity.” True unfortunately. Accepting criticism is something that has been a challenge to learn from because of this emotional component. I hope I am getting better at it after a lifetime of teaching paraphrasing, perception checking and how to give and receive feedback using the Awareness Wheel. A career filled with constant evaluation sheets after every workshop should have helped too.

“She is noted for her innate ability to inspire and encourage others around her and exhibits excellent interpersonal skills.” Oh my gosh, this makes me think of the “school spirit” speeches I had to make too many times in assemblies in high school. I hated doing those speeches – besides the fact that they just weren’t cool. I was in the “drama group”. I also never felt like I was very good at it – i.e. did anyone every come just because of my speech????? I don’t think so. I got asked to do it so often I think because I was just so enthusiastic myself about every sport event and school activity. When I was “Stony” house leader in intramurals, our house won the Participation Award Trophy because we had the most people participating in events. That’s because every day at lunch I would go and drag people to play badminton, basketball, bridge, tiddlywonks (gym sized playing of tiddlywinks) etc. Intramurals were huge in our school – we had tons of big trophies for them. I also won the Individual Participant Award because I was in the most activities myself. Imagine that. Of the 250 people in the school I was the most enthusiastic participator. Oh my goodness, it makes me tired to think of it. Lately I was reminded how much I loved talking in church about the Church city wide food drive – getting people fired up, and how much I hated actually organizing and doing the work.

“She may sometimes experience a loss of enthusiasm and energy and also may become uncharacteristically pensive under stress.” No kidding, that is my life in the last year or two. “

A born entrepreneur, she is alert to all the possibilities and is fascinated by new ideas.” That’s how I got involved with Marilyn Herasymowych – such interesting ideas. That is also why I advertise so many services on my website – so many things are possibilities.

“She shows strong initiative and operates through creative impulses. She may constantly test the limits of a situation and she considers that most rules and regulations are there to be bent if not broken.” Read this as “she likes to do what she likes to do and what she has thought of and doesn’t like to be told what to do.” This summer our bishop, the sweetest man ever, challenged us all to read the Book of Mormon in 85 days – the amount of time that it took Joseph Smith to translate it as a 25 year old uneducated man. I really felt rebellious about it and refused to get started for two weeks. Then I decided that I would burn through it and read not 6 pages a day (what was suggested) but 20 so that I could get it done and over with. As a result of this reluctant obedience I don’t expect any personal miracles – I am bending the rules to much, but I can say I’m doing it. So characteristic.

“Esther is logical and analytical, an ingenious thinker and long-range planner, and good at anything that requires rapid reasoning. Routine, detail and close supervision are anathema to her. She wants to make an impact and accomplish something in life that she will long be remembered by. She may fear failure lack of responsibility and failure.” What can I say about that – its all true – unfortunate, dysfunctional and constraining but very much the internal me.


“Esther’s accomplishments are achieved mainly through determinations and perseverance in reaching or exceeding her high standards.” My Dad once said about me – ‘Esther is not more talented than the other kids (boy, that is true) but she is stupid enough to try anything.’ Unfortunately also true.

“Internally motivated to achieve, Esther is a hard worker, who whilst being prepared to listen to, and be aware of others, will invariably go it alone if all else fails.” The next time I whine about having to do things myself, somebody remind me that it is my choice.

Anyhow, now you know why my wedding colours were orange, it is still my favourite colour and the background to this blog is orange. I am Orange.

Pushing Myself

I am obsessed this summer with exercise. When we came back from a holiday in Utah and Shuswap Lake, I just really wanted to keep playing and playing for me is about sports – anything athletic. I was pretty depressed at first because, Anne is no longer interested in going swimming, in line skating, riding bicycles and so I was left to do things on my own. Now I am just all about getting fit so I am doing a bunch of things to fun. I swim a couple of times a week managing between 20 and 30 lengths, 1/3 are breaststroke the rest crawl. I ride down to Kensington to meet my husband and then ride back with him about 3 times a week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there and 45 time ride back to Dalhousie. I lift weights and will be adding some ball exercises. I try to do my yoga stuff about twice a week and I run on the hill at least once or twice a week.

My problem with it all is I never feel like it get really good at any of it – you know, really fit. It could be that I am 56 years old, not consistent enough, don’t really have good technique at anything or what I really believe - I am not pushing myself enough. How do you tell? Weight watchers uses sweat as a barometer. If you sweat within a certain amount of time it’s worth a certain amount of points. That’s crazy. Sometimes walking can make you sweat if it’s hot and I never sweat when I am swimming. The skipping book said that if you get nauseated then you have pushed yourself too hard. I sometimes stop and do the heart rate thing but finding my heart beat is hard when you are puffing.

How hard I work seems to vary with the activity. I know I can really work hard on a tread mill and when I am climbing a hill on a bike – really sweat, puff, get weak.... I can’t ever seem to make myself winded when I swim – maybe it’s the drowning thing and the convenient end of the pool to stop and rest. I can only tell if I have worked hard weightlifting the next day – did I get really stiff or not? I don’t think I know how to work hard doing yoga.

Anyhow this all begs the larger question about the whole self assessment thing. It doesn’t seem like it would ever be valid. Just yesterday I was thinking about this pushing myself thing and running. I had done pretty well – gone farther than usual around the hill and only walked twice briefly. I wanted to finish the distance – you know run up the last very long hill. I was sweating and not really weak but then I realized that I was starting to feel nauseated – a sure sign. I stopped and took my heart rate and it was 165. Well I guess I had pushed myself since my maximum is supposed to be 144. I should have known, but actually I had not idea. Before the nausea I just felt lazy.

Anyhow, so if I can’t even tell about whether I am pushing myself running up a hill. How can I ever self assess anything accurately, for example, whether I am truly working hard in my consulting business? I am signing up for a new doctorate program that requires a lot of self evaluation. That really worries me. Will I be too hard or too arrogant and lenient? Perhaps the most important question is, how can I judge my own personal righteousness and determine whether I am ready or will ever be able to stand before the Lord and report with any degree of confidence that I did all I could do. I can’t help thinking, like my current fitness level, my effort is really paltry. It’s a good thing that in relation to personal righteousness, Christ makes up the difference because I know that I will be as pathetic assessing my whole life as I am at calibrating my personal sweat index.

General Conference

Last week-end was general conference and we were able to sit and watch every session. It was amazing and inspiring. The most moving and spiritual talk for me was Sister Tanners. Here is the conclusion to her talk. She expresses so well my feelings and testimony.
"I delight in the Lord’s mercies and miracles (see “Bless Our Fast, We Pray,” Hymns, no. 138). I know that His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real. They come in His way and on His timetable. Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity. Jesus’s disciples on the Sea of Galilee had to toil in rowing against a contrary wind all through the night before Jesus finally came to their aid. He did not come until the “fourth watch,” meaning near dawn. Yet He did come. (See Mark 6:45–51.) My testimony is that miracles do come, though sometimes not until the fourth watch.

Right now I am exerting my faith and prayers and watching for miracles in behalf of loved ones who are physically sick, emotionally bereft, and spiritually astray. I delight in the Lord’s love for each of His children and in His wisdom to allow us individually tailored earthly experiences.

Finally, I delight in, more than I can express, the eternal love and constant help of my husband and the prayers and support of my children and parents during these years of my service as Young Women general president.

“My soul delighteth in the things of the Lord” (2 Nephi 4:16)—His law, His life, His love. To delight in Him is to acknowledge His hand in our lives. Our gospel duty is to do what is right and to love and delight in what is right. When we delight to serve Him, our Father in Heaven delights to bless us. “I, the Lord, . . . delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end” (D&C 76:5). I want to be worthy always of His delight. “I love the Lord, in Him my soul delights” (“I Love the Lord,” Jackman Music Corporation). In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

For those of you interested in reading more of this talk and other General Conference addresses go to www.lds.org and follow the link on the first item - General COnference. These can be be viewed on streaming video or downloaded as a document.