CHANGE AND TRANSITION

A lot has changed recently in my life.  It has become clear to me that these recent changes are in fact a part of something that has been happening for some time. Change is after all on going in a life and is normal.    I have not, however, been truly conscious of what has been a transformational and systemic change.  I have viewed events separately but have not been unable to process these as parts of a whole picture.  To use a tired but useful metaphor, I have been in the trees unable to see the forest.    

This process has been an emotional one.  As one woman in a critical thinking course observed, it is difficult to understand the meaning of an experience on an intellectual level before fully experiencing and describing the impact on an emotional level.  Analyzing feeling can be a way into understanding meaning.  Whether this is everyone’s process, it has been mine and it has not been pleasant. 

Perhaps because of Christmas or because it is time, I have done a great deal of reflection in the last month about my feelings and the experiences that have precipitated them.  I have come to some understanding of what recent changes have meant to me.  I am now able to analyze and make sense of my experiences in a more helpful way, helpful at least to me.  But as Nora Ephron in “Heart burn” wrote (and I paraphrase) “It is my story and I get to tell it the way I want.”  I will frame my thoughts and make sense of what I am experiencing, in light of theory about change and transition and also systems dynamics.  I teach this theory to people in organizations to help them make sense of and take action during times of organizational change. I have found this theory helpful for me to make sense of my personal change within the context of my family system. 

 First some definitions.  Change is about what is happening that is different – the new situation.    In light of a family, it is about the last child leaving for school, marriages, grandchildren, and the physical changes that come with aging. When I consider this concept, these changes have been ongoing. There is always change in our lives.  Just as a caterpillar changes to a butterfly, this change is unstoppable and continuous.  We are born and we change and die.  Although change is sometimes dramtic, it most often gradual and cumulative.  This “accumulation” can have tipping points where endings are obvious and intense, like falling over a precipice.

 Although it is clear that the changes in my family have occurred over a period of almost 14 years.   Five children have married bringing new people into the family, spouses and children.  They have moved away, some very far away.    After 38 years of children in my house, my last child has left.  I have turned 60 and am experiencing a reduction in physical capability.  These events have created a tipping point for me now.  Individual events have accumulated and have brought me to a precipice. Change can and has created a personal crisis for me and this has affected those around me.

 Although change is normal, there are always losses and there is also the possibility of renewal.  What is familiar is changed and relationships are challenged.    It is helpful to be intentional about understanding and increasing one’s awareness.  Using theory and language that puts experiences into a broader context and perspective, possibilities emerge that can help to depersonalize events, reduce emotion, and encourage learning.  It is important to understand what has changed.  It is also important to understand the impact of the change.  That brings me to the next concept, transition.   

 Transition is the psychological process that people grow through as they adjust to their changed situation.  Transition occurs at different rates for different people as they make sense of what the change means for them.  People can move through transition with a minimum of pain depending on the circumstances.  Or, the pain can be overwhelming and they can become stuck and fail to fully adjust to the change at all.  There are three stages that are predictable and standard and these stages begin paradoxically with endings.  Endings are fraught with pain and loss and grieving. The second stage is a neutral zone where although it is clear that there has been an ending, the new beginning which is the last stage, is not yet clear or able to be accepted.   The final stage is the new beginning where the renewal occurs and change is fully understood and embraced. 

 Transition, our adjustment always lags behind the change.  The “new beginning” which is the last stage of transition is in fact the acceptance of the change that has already occurred or been introduced.    Depending on a variety of factors resident in the context of a situation and the person, transition can be more or less painful and can happen slowly or quickly.  My purpose in writing this is to facilitate the speed of my own transition.  I hope as well that it may be helpful for others who may read this blog.  

 There are always losses associated with change, even when the changes are positive.   These occur and are experienced in the “ending” stage.  When one marries it is wonderful, but there are losses of freedom   and shifts in personal and individual identity as new roles are explored and adopted.  Endings bring grieving responses that are similar to those experienced when someone dies.    The deeper and more personal the change, i.e. one that affects personal values, beliefs, assumptions and world view, the greater the loss and the more difficult it is to transition to the new beginning.  The stages of loss include:

·         Denial – An initial rejection of the change as not possible.  “That won’t happen to me or us…”

·         Anger – This can be directed, misdirected or undirected and is expressed and or turned inward depending on the personal style.

·         Bargaining – This included unrealistic attempts to get out of the situation, strike a deal, make big promises and try to negotiate the change away. 

·         Anxiety – Again depending on the style, this is silent or expressed fear, nervousness, or negativity.

·         Disorientation – This can include such behaviours as forgetfulness, losing things, and making mistakes.

·         Depression –This is a very frequent and often a long standing reaction.  This can be manifest as fatigue, low energy, withdrawal, short temper, crying, unwillingness to try anything new, and negativity.  

 These reactions are not necessarily sequential but can occur somewhat randomly and in response to particular events for example, family gatherings, holidays etc.  About endings, transition theory (i.e. William Bridges) says to expect and accept the signs of grieving because they will occur. In this three to fourteen year transition I have experienced and demonstrated all of these reactions, every one.   It has been terrible for me on a personal level because these responses are not consistent with my sense of self and identity or my personal values. These reactions were and are surprising to myself and others.   They have been confusing, disheartening and destructive to me and my relationships within my family.  This article and the one that follows is my exploration of the factors that have made this period of endings just so very difficult.

 The neutral zone is characterized by anxiety, confusion, ambiguity, frustration, mixed signals, and anticipation.  It is important not to force decisions about how to act or be and to the try to “fix problems” too quickly.  With significant change there are a lot of things to figure out and much has to be temporary as the change and how it will work is figured out.  Redefining it in a positive light, creating temporary systems, strengthening relationships and being creative are all important.  

 Transition is easier when the end is known.  When a new house is purchased or a move is made, there is clarity of what must be different – new schools, doctors, friends etc. This kind of change can be planned.   There are things to be decided and adjusted to but what is needed is clear and can be managed like a project.  Outcomes can be defined, actions planned and there is a sense of control.  In transformational change, the end is not known and therefore the plan of action is not clear. 

Transformation cannot be planned.  It must be facilitated as exploration is required rather than movement to a defined outcome.  Decisions are often best guesses, improvisations that work or don’t.  This is a very difficult process in an organization and no easier on a personal level.  I am in the midst of transformational change.  The end is not clear for me and perhaps at my stage of life won’t ever be.  I don’t know how my life will unfold and there is no “project planning” that can be applied to figure this out. For a person, like myself, who has always been goal oriented and intentional about achieving defined outcomes this is particularly challenging.  It is challenging for others as behaviour may be unpredictable. 

Transformational change can be supported when it is understood within a larger perspective.  Since the end is not known, to understand how to explore and test possibilities the whole map of the present world is needed.  One doesn’t know where one is going to, but it is helpful to know where one is now.   This requires systems thinking.  I will use systems theory to explore and understand this personal transformation by considering the system in which I live.  In my case, because of my value system and life choices, family is of particular importance both in understanding both my change and my transition.

A system has parts and the parts have interrelationships.  A change in one part of a system affects the other parts of the system as it operates.  There are forces at work in these inter-relationships and in system dynamics terms, parts of the system can experience “ripple effects” as there is change.  Change in one part of the system affects the other parts of the system through these “ripple effects”.    In a family for example, a marriage affects everyone in the system, not just the individual marrying.  All family relationships are affected.  Although some of these “ripple effects” are predictable, most are not.  For example, behaviours driven by expectations and values of spouse’s family of origin culture are often surprising, confusing and challenging.  Individuals within the family often struggle to understand, accept and integrate these differences in behaviour.  The bigger the change or in this case difference in behaviour, the larger the “waves” through the system.   What activities are engaged in, what food is eaten, what topics of conversation deemed acceptable, are changes that impact the entire system and in turn affect both the new and the existing relationships. 

 Because of the interrelationships between the parts of the system, individuals in a family for example, all behavior is linked.  How one individual responds affects another, creating a dynamic or driving force.  This dynamic can be both helpful and unhelpful.  What is important to consider is that because everything is connected, related and constantly impacting other parts of the system, there can be no blame on any one part.  No one person or part is the problem.  If there is a problem it is a system problem.   Any problem has multiple contributing factors as every part impacts the whole.  This is important to me because, I have frequently felt blamed and increasingly have felt labeled as a problem.  There is no individual solution either.   Solutions must be considered systemically.  A system cannot be “fixed” by “fixing” one part, the entire system must be considered.  Individual change must be mindfully considered as it affects the system. 

From my recent experiences, I can conclude that I am mostly  in the neutral zone although family gatherings may still stimulate an endings response.   I have fully recognized what has ended and what it means to me.  I have now however figured out what replaces what has ended.   Both my present and my future are ambiguous. For me everything is up for scrutiny and analysis.  I am in the process of redesigning my life, what I do and what I expect from myself and others.  This is both deep and personal and will undoubtedly have impacts on others close to me, some more than others.  I can hope for but not necessarily expect support and understanding from others in the system. With mindfulness on my part this too can hopefully be managed.

  My life’s work has been dedicated to helping others make sense of their experiences rationally.  Through increased awareness that theory and reflection brings I have endeavoured to enable intentional action to improve life and relationships.  This entry has provided the framework for my thinking about my personal change.   The subsequent blog entries will explore issues related more specifically to this transformation and explore and document what I have and will continue to learn through this process.