The Sides of Me

I mostly grew up in Scandia, a community originally settled by people from Sweden or Norway. Scandia is a hamlet and today has 46 “dwellings”.  Many more than when I lived there.  There was a lumber yard, an apiary, a general store, a school and the grain elevator but pretty much everyone in the community farmed – mostly mixed farming. 

 

There was little diversity – just religion. The three “established” religions were Lutheran (Missouri Synod), United Church of Canada and Roman Catholic.  I quickly found that being “Mormon” was not okay.  Overhearing derogatory remarks on the party telephone, a best friend who could never “sleep over” and being challenged by my grade three classmates about my non-attendance at church all got the message through.  Being told not to “fold my arms” during the Lord’s prayer by a grade three teacher who told me she had gone to the Mormon church and they didn’t do that had me learn to hide any religious differences.    I became adept at avoiding “Mormon” language and terms.  I kept my activities - Primary, Young Women’s, summer camp to myself. 

 

These experiences did not lessen my testimony and love of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I compared all community experiences to my church experiences and the community ones always came up lacking.  The Sunday meetings of our little branch in Rainer were what were real.  It felt like home there. Stake Girls Camp was a wonderful time.  To be surrounded with so many girls who all spoke the same language and had the same religious experiences was wonderful.  I quickly made friend with girls from Rosemary, Barnwell, Taber and Bow Island. There are women who I still hug and are excited to see almost 50 years later from those brief summer camping days.

 

The church continued to be a central part of what I did and who I was.  My identify was forged as a member of the church.  It was what I loved, what I did and defined what I strived to be.  I had wonderful role models, Arlene Evans in particular, women who were strong and intelligent and questioning.  I saw myself like that and wanted to have what they had, a temple marriage to a true friend and a family.  My patriarchal blessing assured me that I was on track with being who Heavenly Father wanted me to be. 

 

When I dated, after several short relationships, I chose the most religious boy in the school to date.  Although he didn’t understand all the doctrine of the church, he was committed to living a spiritual life.  We shared a love of the Saviour.  We dated for several years and I really loved him.  I came to realize however that unless he shared my testimony of the restored church he could never really understand who I was.  That was too much a part of me.   I shared this with him.  He later investigated the church and without my knowledge, was baptized.  He said it was not because of me, but that the missionaries had taught him more about the Saviour than he had ever known.  I believed him.  When I prayed about whether we should marry, the answer was clearly no.  His parents would never have accepted me and likely him either.  They were “Evangelical Free” members, devoted and his father would not talk to me when I visited. 

 

I married and had children and developed a professional life.  I had a lot of problem integrating the two sides of myself – the life as a Mormon wife and mother and a professional consultant.  It was easy to hide my Mormon self from my professional colleagues.  That was just like being in Scandia.  It was not hard to hide my professional role from people at church.  With those that would not understand, I simply adopted the same behaviours I used with non-members colleagues.  I didn’t want to have to do that however.  I wanted to be able to be my whole self all of the time.  When I found people with whom I could share both sides of myself, they were my best, deepest and dearest friends.  I was fortunate to always have some of these women in each ward where I lived. I am 

 

I have learned over the years to feel comfortable with both sides of myself and have learned that I can expect to have varying degrees of closeness with other people.  I find now that my best friends are usually those who understand spirituality and who are interested in exploring ideas.  For my non Mormon friends that usually means that they are religious.  It matters little to me whether other women are employed.  Neither does it matter how old someone is.  It is really valuing thoughtful mindful growth.  I care about that so much.  When that thoughtful mindful growth includes a commitment to the Saviour within the organization of the church, there is total comfort and freedom to talk about what matters most to me.  I am most able to be who I really am.  I can freely give and receive in the quest for wisdom and knowledge. 

 

Sometimes people and relationships change, prompted by personal experiences.  That has happened rarely with friends but it has happened.  It was very painful.  It can also happen with family members.  For me it is always fraught with pain, grief and anguish.  I am experiencing it now and there are times that I am overwhelmed with the loss.  What will I do without the closeness and the peace that comes with that trust?  I feel like a part of me is dying.  I am not just losing the other person as a friend and confidant, I am also losing myself and my world is narrowing and becoming smaller.  I am trying to face the fact that I will have to adopt once more the old careful behaviours that constrained me for so much of my life.  It is confusing and I do not know how to proceed.  I don’t really know how to use these behaviours with people who I love so deeply.  Perhaps because I don’t want to. The scriptures often talk about experiences that “words cannot express”.  I understand the difficulty and wish I was more able to express these feelings perhaps even to myself.