Dream Girls

I couldn't resist posting these pictures of Elise, Sam's daughter. When Elise comes to visit she loves to watch videos where there is singing and dancing. She loved the CATS DVD and she also loves Dream Girls. Here she is being a Dream Girl. It makes me remember what it was like to be so completely in the pretend world and really feeling it. When I was her age I was obsessed with being a ballet dancer and and would dance around with plastic glasses on my feet. They made me feel like I was dancing on my toes and a beautiful graceful ballerina. I so wanted a tutu. I was also fascinated with being grown up, not surprising for the youngest child. Make-up was a must. My grandmother thought I was very spoiled when my mother let me wear bright red lipstick and ear rings to church when I was four. I hope Elise never forgets this wonderful feeling of truly being what you "dream".

Holidays and Balance

This week we went to a meeting of a bunch of church members about a vacation opportunity. It is actually a great idea that several of the couples have. In short it is this. 20 or so couples all each put in $200,000.00 to buy 5 high end vacation properties in places like Las Vegas, Florida, Hawaii, California and then share the upkeep cost which would be about $500 a month and have the opportunity of 12 weeks vacation a year in the fanciest resorts possible. They all seemed to be in hot, beach places. A very reasonable idea but we realized that of all the types of vacations that exist, that kind is the least interesting to us. Being in a high consumerism, hot and beach type vacation is not what we enjoy. I like adventure, exercise, learning, exploring and family. Holidays are supposed to create balance in our lives. It got me really thinking about holidays and assessing this summer and its holidays.

This year we are having so many holidays. It has somehow just happened, but has also been fueled by my obsession for fun and balance to my perception that I always work. For me it started in June with a two week visit from Erin and her three kids. We had two weeks of intensive kid oriented fun i.e. swimming, hikes, zoo, Heritage Park, parties etc. So wonderful and great!! We then went to the Shuswap Lake where exhaustion set in and I was forced against my will to spend 2 days doing nothing but preparing a few meals and reading a novel. That was a very hard for me but useful learning. It gave my mind and body the rest it needed to fend off Alzheimer’s for a bit longer. I also had the best ski I have every had. It was super long almost to the point, then down, then up again with a deep water slalom start. I felt strong like I haven’t for years.

The trip to Utah was another marathon of activities – shopping, hiking, hanging out, cooking and of course the drive there and back. Every time I drive through Idaho and Montana through those beautiful prairies hills I long for my youth, horses and long rides. So, on the August long week-end I organized an overnight camping trip with a ride included. It was great. We tented at Buffalo Plains Campground. It was an oasis of a few trees in the middle of the prairie by Fort Macleod. We got their early, cooked on a camp stove, read our books and sat around a campfire. Of course we slept on the ground which is the least fun thing. Yoga in the sunshine, scripture and pancakes and real bacon topped off the morning. After an interesting morning at “Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump” to feed our brains with historical info we picnicked in the Old Man River bottom campground. Our ride at a ranch, nestled in its own valley west of Claresholm began at 2:00. The horses were great – real ones with personalities and get up and go. Our guide was an honest to goodness cowboy and outfitter. He suggested with gallop and told us great stories along the way. After two hours we were sufficiently crippled and left tired and super happy. After a Chinese supper at Ken’s Restaurant in Nanton we drove home, excited for our bath tub, beds and TV.

This week feels like a holiday of sorts as Anne is away at EFY. We are trying out the empty nest and finding it quite pleasant. We still have three holidays to go. Next week-end Andy and I are having a getaway in Waterton at Kilmory Lodge, for our anniversary. We plan on going to the temple, hiking and hanging out. On the Labour Day week-end we will go out to the cabin again to put in windows and new Tyvek covering. Then it will be to New York and Jack’s baptism. Blest we are. Balanced I am not so sure.

I am ORANGE and a Motivator

I have finally got around to having my personality “colours” done using the “Discovery” tool from Insights. There is a lot of buzz about this particular instrument in organizations and I felt a bit pressured to learn what “colour” I was. I often get asked by clients and training participants. It is based on Jung like Meyers Briggs. In spite of a bit of a difficult time in doing the inventory and feeling like I didn’t answer consistently, my profile said exactly the same thing that others have. In relation to Jung I am still a strong extravert, absolutely split on thinking and feeling and also high in intuition over sensing. Apparently Meyers Briggs added the Judging Perceiving and since it was not in Jung’s original theory it is not used in this particular instrument.

I got exactly the profile that I expected and predicted. I am orange and my type is called a Motivator. The first paragraph of the two and half page description of me give you an sense of the accuracy. “Eager to add to her knowledge, Esther is passionate about researching significant new subjects that capture her interest. Hard work, busy schedules and merit based remuneration are hallmarks of the way Esther prefers to work. Fatigue and pressure from over-commitment may trigger stressful reactions in her. Often her enthusiasm and drive makes her overwork.” Man, I can’t blame anyone but myself. As Beth Stringham once said to me after I was trying to justify not getting something done because I was so busy, just then. “Esther that is just how you are, you are always too busy’.

“Esther has a real zest for living and enjoys company. Writing important facts or steps down on paper helps her keep from getting side-tracked, but she may lack the discipline necessary discipline to do this well.” Hello – time management workshop..... I know it works I just don’t do it all the time.

“She prefers to deal with a variety of situations, people and events, all at the same time. She may find it hard to prepare as thoroughly as she should.” Heh and all of my children benefited from early instruction on how to prepare talks for primary during sacrament meeting. Is this so bad --- yes we all know it is often not a great way to be.

Some other insightful comments.... “She does not appreciate critical comments about her personal qualities as she sees these comments as personal attacks on her integrity.” True unfortunately. Accepting criticism is something that has been a challenge to learn from because of this emotional component. I hope I am getting better at it after a lifetime of teaching paraphrasing, perception checking and how to give and receive feedback using the Awareness Wheel. A career filled with constant evaluation sheets after every workshop should have helped too.

“She is noted for her innate ability to inspire and encourage others around her and exhibits excellent interpersonal skills.” Oh my gosh, this makes me think of the “school spirit” speeches I had to make too many times in assemblies in high school. I hated doing those speeches – besides the fact that they just weren’t cool. I was in the “drama group”. I also never felt like I was very good at it – i.e. did anyone every come just because of my speech????? I don’t think so. I got asked to do it so often I think because I was just so enthusiastic myself about every sport event and school activity. When I was “Stony” house leader in intramurals, our house won the Participation Award Trophy because we had the most people participating in events. That’s because every day at lunch I would go and drag people to play badminton, basketball, bridge, tiddlywonks (gym sized playing of tiddlywinks) etc. Intramurals were huge in our school – we had tons of big trophies for them. I also won the Individual Participant Award because I was in the most activities myself. Imagine that. Of the 250 people in the school I was the most enthusiastic participator. Oh my goodness, it makes me tired to think of it. Lately I was reminded how much I loved talking in church about the Church city wide food drive – getting people fired up, and how much I hated actually organizing and doing the work.

“She may sometimes experience a loss of enthusiasm and energy and also may become uncharacteristically pensive under stress.” No kidding, that is my life in the last year or two. “

A born entrepreneur, she is alert to all the possibilities and is fascinated by new ideas.” That’s how I got involved with Marilyn Herasymowych – such interesting ideas. That is also why I advertise so many services on my website – so many things are possibilities.

“She shows strong initiative and operates through creative impulses. She may constantly test the limits of a situation and she considers that most rules and regulations are there to be bent if not broken.” Read this as “she likes to do what she likes to do and what she has thought of and doesn’t like to be told what to do.” This summer our bishop, the sweetest man ever, challenged us all to read the Book of Mormon in 85 days – the amount of time that it took Joseph Smith to translate it as a 25 year old uneducated man. I really felt rebellious about it and refused to get started for two weeks. Then I decided that I would burn through it and read not 6 pages a day (what was suggested) but 20 so that I could get it done and over with. As a result of this reluctant obedience I don’t expect any personal miracles – I am bending the rules to much, but I can say I’m doing it. So characteristic.

“Esther is logical and analytical, an ingenious thinker and long-range planner, and good at anything that requires rapid reasoning. Routine, detail and close supervision are anathema to her. She wants to make an impact and accomplish something in life that she will long be remembered by. She may fear failure lack of responsibility and failure.” What can I say about that – its all true – unfortunate, dysfunctional and constraining but very much the internal me.


“Esther’s accomplishments are achieved mainly through determinations and perseverance in reaching or exceeding her high standards.” My Dad once said about me – ‘Esther is not more talented than the other kids (boy, that is true) but she is stupid enough to try anything.’ Unfortunately also true.

“Internally motivated to achieve, Esther is a hard worker, who whilst being prepared to listen to, and be aware of others, will invariably go it alone if all else fails.” The next time I whine about having to do things myself, somebody remind me that it is my choice.

Anyhow, now you know why my wedding colours were orange, it is still my favourite colour and the background to this blog is orange. I am Orange.

Pushing Myself

I am obsessed this summer with exercise. When we came back from a holiday in Utah and Shuswap Lake, I just really wanted to keep playing and playing for me is about sports – anything athletic. I was pretty depressed at first because, Anne is no longer interested in going swimming, in line skating, riding bicycles and so I was left to do things on my own. Now I am just all about getting fit so I am doing a bunch of things to fun. I swim a couple of times a week managing between 20 and 30 lengths, 1/3 are breaststroke the rest crawl. I ride down to Kensington to meet my husband and then ride back with him about 3 times a week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there and 45 time ride back to Dalhousie. I lift weights and will be adding some ball exercises. I try to do my yoga stuff about twice a week and I run on the hill at least once or twice a week.

My problem with it all is I never feel like it get really good at any of it – you know, really fit. It could be that I am 56 years old, not consistent enough, don’t really have good technique at anything or what I really believe - I am not pushing myself enough. How do you tell? Weight watchers uses sweat as a barometer. If you sweat within a certain amount of time it’s worth a certain amount of points. That’s crazy. Sometimes walking can make you sweat if it’s hot and I never sweat when I am swimming. The skipping book said that if you get nauseated then you have pushed yourself too hard. I sometimes stop and do the heart rate thing but finding my heart beat is hard when you are puffing.

How hard I work seems to vary with the activity. I know I can really work hard on a tread mill and when I am climbing a hill on a bike – really sweat, puff, get weak.... I can’t ever seem to make myself winded when I swim – maybe it’s the drowning thing and the convenient end of the pool to stop and rest. I can only tell if I have worked hard weightlifting the next day – did I get really stiff or not? I don’t think I know how to work hard doing yoga.

Anyhow this all begs the larger question about the whole self assessment thing. It doesn’t seem like it would ever be valid. Just yesterday I was thinking about this pushing myself thing and running. I had done pretty well – gone farther than usual around the hill and only walked twice briefly. I wanted to finish the distance – you know run up the last very long hill. I was sweating and not really weak but then I realized that I was starting to feel nauseated – a sure sign. I stopped and took my heart rate and it was 165. Well I guess I had pushed myself since my maximum is supposed to be 144. I should have known, but actually I had not idea. Before the nausea I just felt lazy.

Anyhow, so if I can’t even tell about whether I am pushing myself running up a hill. How can I ever self assess anything accurately, for example, whether I am truly working hard in my consulting business? I am signing up for a new doctorate program that requires a lot of self evaluation. That really worries me. Will I be too hard or too arrogant and lenient? Perhaps the most important question is, how can I judge my own personal righteousness and determine whether I am ready or will ever be able to stand before the Lord and report with any degree of confidence that I did all I could do. I can’t help thinking, like my current fitness level, my effort is really paltry. It’s a good thing that in relation to personal righteousness, Christ makes up the difference because I know that I will be as pathetic assessing my whole life as I am at calibrating my personal sweat index.