I am delivering a nine day leadership course to two groups in an Alberta Municipality. One group is great (read that easy for me to work with). The other group is not. Five of the difficult group were told that they had to come. They are busy and giving up 9 days of working time to learn what you don’t want to know does not make a happy learner. It would be easy to blame the group for my difficulties but it is a more complex than that.
In the last two years, I have been experiencing a lot of success in the workshops that I do. I get really positive evaluations and people even give me presents thanking me for the difference I have made to them. A sweet woman, a native from Malaysia, took time today to tell me how she has completely changed her thinking because of a two day leadership course she took from me. She understands the culture here now and can now can say with confidence what she needs to say to senior leaders. She realizes that she is important and has a right to share her expertise with others. As a result of feedback like that I feel like I am pretty good at facilitating learning.
This difficult group is a whole other experience. What I do that works so well for other groups just doesn’t for them. They don’t like open-ended questions, will not discuss anything in a large group and like playing games more than thinking and making applications. So different from me. The last workshop, our 5th day together was arduous for me and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. On the drive home I thought about all the things that I am usually sure about and how with them I am not sure about anything. I thought about how I probably come off as a know it all – like I have all the answers. These people are not interested in my answers and really why should they be?
I was still in this fairly negative headspace when I arrived at a “leadership” meeting with the Stake President and all the leaders in our ward. I am convinced this man is a ESTJ. He always, and unfortunately can say always, offends me when he speaks in meetings. He is fond of rules and checklists about personal righteousness and uses stories about how people “it” ( pray, serve, teach etc.) the wrong to teach. Anne is quite right when she says that this is poor way of teaching. His questions have right answers and I always feel like he is the parent and I am the child. As a result I feel hostile, distrustful and judged. My spirituality plummets and my testimony is challenged.
In one of the courses I teach, I have people select behaviours from a list that are hot buttons for them. Then I ask them why these behaviours of others bother them so much. Is it because they offend deeply held values or is it because of a fear of some kind that these behaviour engender? Or, perhaps, is it both. I have determined that the Stake President that bothers me so much does so because his behaviour does offend deeply held values. I don’t think that anyone has the right to tell me or any other adult how to live their life. We are all so different. I also value humility, the openness to learning a great deal. He never sounds as if he has anything to learn. I am know I am intelligent and thoughtful and opinionated. I am an extravert that processes thinking out loud. As a result I am constantly afraid of being perceived as arrogant, thinking that my way is the only way and that I have all the answers.
I don’t know of anyone who feels about the stake president as I do. I must admit therefore that my perception of his behaviour says way more about me than him. How is it that I turn this around. I don’t like feeling as I do. I go to church to be spiritually fed not drained. The answer of course is to work through my own concerns and focus on my own behaviour. I need to remain aware of how my perception is being shaped by my values and fears while I listen and then try to see him in a different way. Not an easy task to be sure. One that I am not always up for unfortunately.
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