connections without capability

PERSONAL IDENTITY

One Sunday, not long ago my grand daughter Audrey, just a month short of 3 years old, wanted to change her clothes and wear a dress. Obliging her request I found a costume Cinderella dress that her cousin Dotty had worn extensively at Christmas time. We thought it was perfect and that she would be happy. “I look like Dotty!” she said. We quickly and positively replied, “Yes you do!” thinking that this was a positive reason to wear the dress. Audrey didn’t look happy however and after a couple more encouraging remarks from us and her thrice repeated comment, “But I Audrey!” we understood. As nice as the dress was it made her be Dotty not Audrey. We quickly found another solution to the dress dilemma, a much too small jumper that had been Anne’s. In spite of it looking more like a shirt than a dress, Audrey was happy, secure in the knowledge that there was no confusion about who she was.

I have been thinking a great deal about this concept of personal identity. Who are we really and how do we develop and act on our personal identity? Over the past couple months I have been somewhat surprised by feedback from clients and associates about who I am to them. Recently for example, I attended a short session led by a colleague / client and program manager at UoC. She told me after the workshop that when I walked in the room, her nervousness vanished. I am always so calm and positive and she feels so good around me that with me there, she knew the session was going to go well. As the “motivator/ high school spirit speaker” or “missionary:” as another colleague described me after observing a workshop and the high energy person I have often seen myself as being, this comment was surprising.

Another client had recently told me that she thinks I know everything. She was talking about organizational/interpersonal behaviour theory. Oh how I wish that were true!!! I read so many books,she said, the same ones that she does, but I remember more. She says that she feels like she needs to take out the dictionary when I leave. I feel so lacking when I compare myself to Marilyn Herasymowych.

She also says that she really appreciates that she can say anything to me, and it is never a problem. Consequently I am easy to work with. My bookkeeper, on the other hand said yesterday that when she began to work with me, I terrified her. When I asked her why, she said that it is because I am so confident and competent. She was also surprised when later in the discussion, I told her that I dislike being a project manager because I don’t like telling people what to do and holding them to agreements when situations change. She thought that I would be very good at that. So…. calm, accepting or hard to please?

I recently had the occasion to spend time with a colleague who in my perception is extremely hard driving. Whenever we work on a project together, I have felt challenged to work as hard as she does and turn work around as quickly as she expects. She is both conceptual and extremely detailed. I have to work to keep positive about my capabilities when I am with her. It was interesting to note little inconsistencies in this perception that I noted in our time driving together and conversations at home, which illuminated some things about me.

For example, she never goes to self serve gas lanes if she has the choice. She likes to be served. I never, yes never, go to these lanes and even avoid gas stations that do not have pay at the pump. I am impatient with being served. I dislike waiting for people to do for me what I can do for myself more quickly. She also, never does any housework and her husband takes his shirts out for cleaning. I do all my own housework and likely always will. She was surprised at the canning I had done. It turns out that in many ways I realized that I am has hard driving and likely hard working as she is, only in different areas.

Another reality about our identity is that our behaviour changes in different situations and that we are the composite of all of those moments and identities. Who we are, at least on the behavioural level, changes in different contexts. Our identity to some extent is a reflection of what others see us as being. They interpret our behaviour through the lens of their own hopes, fears, anxieties and values. Their expectations, whether positive or negative, influence our behaviour as they act on their interpretations, creating a dynamic that changes our own reactions. My children see me differently than my husband, my friends, clients, colleagues and workshop participants. Men see me differently than women and church members see me in ways that non members don’t.

I was amazed when at my sister’s funeral each of her daughters gave a eulogy of their mother from their own experience and perspective. Marion was a different Mother and person to and with each of them. In her perfect acceptance, she affirmed and shared the interests of each and developed and showed parts of herself differently with each. I realized that as rich as my understanding was of her because of the many hours of personal dialogue, there was so much I did not know about her. I wondered what I could have done or should have done to allow her to share even more of herself and her loves with me. It is my intention, what is in my heart, as a parent and grandparent to be perfectly like that, like she was, in this regard.

Perhaps the most frustrating and painful experiences in my life have been those times when the judgments of others, close to me, were negatively at odds with my knowledge of my own intentions. The result of these judgments and negative beliefs and assumptions, has been misinterpretations of my behaviours. I have felt at those times confused and somewhat powerless to be myself. Was I as terrible as they said? Did I need to drastically change who I was and what I did? What could I do to have them understand me better? Or was there little that I could do and their comments said more about their own fears and assumptions than about me? I have learned that just accepting and loving the other person frequently works in the long term and that there seems to be little that can be done in the short term. I have at those times just wanted to be understood, accepted and loved and like Audrey, I just wanted to be able to be affirmed to be the person that I was inside.

Another piece of this complex idea of identity is that who we are, both to ourselves and others, changes based on the context of the situation. Our roles, the requirements of the situation, the stresses we are experiencing, and our lack of skill and experience are just some of the factors that impact our behaviour. These serve to create beliefs in ourselves and others about who we are. In reality we frequently fall short on the behaviour side of the identity equation, how we are able to act on what we want and intend to do and be.

Perhaps the most powerful concept that I have learned in my work and what I try to teach others about, is the power of holding a basic assumption that people come from the best of intentions. I believe this concept to my core. No one purposely tries to do badly in this life. No one tries to be a bad parent, a poor employee, an insensitive friend, or a selfish citizen yet evidence may be easily gathered to affirm those judgments at one time or another. We are told in the scriptures for our good and the good of others, not to judge. Wise advice, since we all have these gaps and shortfalls.

What is the answer to the challenges of who I am? Am I who I am in my own head, a collection of all my best intentions? Am I collection of all of the behaviours and actions good and bad, ineffective and effective that I have demonstrated throughout my life? Am I who others think I am? I am grateful that for our heavenly parents and Jesus Christ, the answers are clear. The scriptures say that Heavenly Father judges me not by what I do but by what is in my heart. I believe and want to know this reality continuously. He alone knows perfectly who I am and what my intentions are. He knows the struggles of my heart, the pains that I experience and challenges I face in bringing my actions more closely in line with the example of the Saviour. I am thankful that he is patient as I seek to bring my behaviour and intentions closer and to figure out how best to act on the love and acceptance that I feel in my heart for others.