CHANGE AND TRANSITION

A lot has changed recently in my life.  It has become clear to me that these recent changes are in fact a part of something that has been happening for some time. Change is after all on going in a life and is normal.    I have not, however, been truly conscious of what has been a transformational and systemic change.  I have viewed events separately but have not been unable to process these as parts of a whole picture.  To use a tired but useful metaphor, I have been in the trees unable to see the forest.    

This process has been an emotional one.  As one woman in a critical thinking course observed, it is difficult to understand the meaning of an experience on an intellectual level before fully experiencing and describing the impact on an emotional level.  Analyzing feeling can be a way into understanding meaning.  Whether this is everyone’s process, it has been mine and it has not been pleasant. 

Perhaps because of Christmas or because it is time, I have done a great deal of reflection in the last month about my feelings and the experiences that have precipitated them.  I have come to some understanding of what recent changes have meant to me.  I am now able to analyze and make sense of my experiences in a more helpful way, helpful at least to me.  But as Nora Ephron in “Heart burn” wrote (and I paraphrase) “It is my story and I get to tell it the way I want.”  I will frame my thoughts and make sense of what I am experiencing, in light of theory about change and transition and also systems dynamics.  I teach this theory to people in organizations to help them make sense of and take action during times of organizational change. I have found this theory helpful for me to make sense of my personal change within the context of my family system. 

 First some definitions.  Change is about what is happening that is different – the new situation.    In light of a family, it is about the last child leaving for school, marriages, grandchildren, and the physical changes that come with aging. When I consider this concept, these changes have been ongoing. There is always change in our lives.  Just as a caterpillar changes to a butterfly, this change is unstoppable and continuous.  We are born and we change and die.  Although change is sometimes dramtic, it most often gradual and cumulative.  This “accumulation” can have tipping points where endings are obvious and intense, like falling over a precipice.

 Although it is clear that the changes in my family have occurred over a period of almost 14 years.   Five children have married bringing new people into the family, spouses and children.  They have moved away, some very far away.    After 38 years of children in my house, my last child has left.  I have turned 60 and am experiencing a reduction in physical capability.  These events have created a tipping point for me now.  Individual events have accumulated and have brought me to a precipice. Change can and has created a personal crisis for me and this has affected those around me.

 Although change is normal, there are always losses and there is also the possibility of renewal.  What is familiar is changed and relationships are challenged.    It is helpful to be intentional about understanding and increasing one’s awareness.  Using theory and language that puts experiences into a broader context and perspective, possibilities emerge that can help to depersonalize events, reduce emotion, and encourage learning.  It is important to understand what has changed.  It is also important to understand the impact of the change.  That brings me to the next concept, transition.   

 Transition is the psychological process that people grow through as they adjust to their changed situation.  Transition occurs at different rates for different people as they make sense of what the change means for them.  People can move through transition with a minimum of pain depending on the circumstances.  Or, the pain can be overwhelming and they can become stuck and fail to fully adjust to the change at all.  There are three stages that are predictable and standard and these stages begin paradoxically with endings.  Endings are fraught with pain and loss and grieving. The second stage is a neutral zone where although it is clear that there has been an ending, the new beginning which is the last stage, is not yet clear or able to be accepted.   The final stage is the new beginning where the renewal occurs and change is fully understood and embraced. 

 Transition, our adjustment always lags behind the change.  The “new beginning” which is the last stage of transition is in fact the acceptance of the change that has already occurred or been introduced.    Depending on a variety of factors resident in the context of a situation and the person, transition can be more or less painful and can happen slowly or quickly.  My purpose in writing this is to facilitate the speed of my own transition.  I hope as well that it may be helpful for others who may read this blog.  

 There are always losses associated with change, even when the changes are positive.   These occur and are experienced in the “ending” stage.  When one marries it is wonderful, but there are losses of freedom   and shifts in personal and individual identity as new roles are explored and adopted.  Endings bring grieving responses that are similar to those experienced when someone dies.    The deeper and more personal the change, i.e. one that affects personal values, beliefs, assumptions and world view, the greater the loss and the more difficult it is to transition to the new beginning.  The stages of loss include:

·         Denial – An initial rejection of the change as not possible.  “That won’t happen to me or us…”

·         Anger – This can be directed, misdirected or undirected and is expressed and or turned inward depending on the personal style.

·         Bargaining – This included unrealistic attempts to get out of the situation, strike a deal, make big promises and try to negotiate the change away. 

·         Anxiety – Again depending on the style, this is silent or expressed fear, nervousness, or negativity.

·         Disorientation – This can include such behaviours as forgetfulness, losing things, and making mistakes.

·         Depression –This is a very frequent and often a long standing reaction.  This can be manifest as fatigue, low energy, withdrawal, short temper, crying, unwillingness to try anything new, and negativity.  

 These reactions are not necessarily sequential but can occur somewhat randomly and in response to particular events for example, family gatherings, holidays etc.  About endings, transition theory (i.e. William Bridges) says to expect and accept the signs of grieving because they will occur. In this three to fourteen year transition I have experienced and demonstrated all of these reactions, every one.   It has been terrible for me on a personal level because these responses are not consistent with my sense of self and identity or my personal values. These reactions were and are surprising to myself and others.   They have been confusing, disheartening and destructive to me and my relationships within my family.  This article and the one that follows is my exploration of the factors that have made this period of endings just so very difficult.

 The neutral zone is characterized by anxiety, confusion, ambiguity, frustration, mixed signals, and anticipation.  It is important not to force decisions about how to act or be and to the try to “fix problems” too quickly.  With significant change there are a lot of things to figure out and much has to be temporary as the change and how it will work is figured out.  Redefining it in a positive light, creating temporary systems, strengthening relationships and being creative are all important.  

 Transition is easier when the end is known.  When a new house is purchased or a move is made, there is clarity of what must be different – new schools, doctors, friends etc. This kind of change can be planned.   There are things to be decided and adjusted to but what is needed is clear and can be managed like a project.  Outcomes can be defined, actions planned and there is a sense of control.  In transformational change, the end is not known and therefore the plan of action is not clear. 

Transformation cannot be planned.  It must be facilitated as exploration is required rather than movement to a defined outcome.  Decisions are often best guesses, improvisations that work or don’t.  This is a very difficult process in an organization and no easier on a personal level.  I am in the midst of transformational change.  The end is not clear for me and perhaps at my stage of life won’t ever be.  I don’t know how my life will unfold and there is no “project planning” that can be applied to figure this out. For a person, like myself, who has always been goal oriented and intentional about achieving defined outcomes this is particularly challenging.  It is challenging for others as behaviour may be unpredictable. 

Transformational change can be supported when it is understood within a larger perspective.  Since the end is not known, to understand how to explore and test possibilities the whole map of the present world is needed.  One doesn’t know where one is going to, but it is helpful to know where one is now.   This requires systems thinking.  I will use systems theory to explore and understand this personal transformation by considering the system in which I live.  In my case, because of my value system and life choices, family is of particular importance both in understanding both my change and my transition.

A system has parts and the parts have interrelationships.  A change in one part of a system affects the other parts of the system as it operates.  There are forces at work in these inter-relationships and in system dynamics terms, parts of the system can experience “ripple effects” as there is change.  Change in one part of the system affects the other parts of the system through these “ripple effects”.    In a family for example, a marriage affects everyone in the system, not just the individual marrying.  All family relationships are affected.  Although some of these “ripple effects” are predictable, most are not.  For example, behaviours driven by expectations and values of spouse’s family of origin culture are often surprising, confusing and challenging.  Individuals within the family often struggle to understand, accept and integrate these differences in behaviour.  The bigger the change or in this case difference in behaviour, the larger the “waves” through the system.   What activities are engaged in, what food is eaten, what topics of conversation deemed acceptable, are changes that impact the entire system and in turn affect both the new and the existing relationships. 

 Because of the interrelationships between the parts of the system, individuals in a family for example, all behavior is linked.  How one individual responds affects another, creating a dynamic or driving force.  This dynamic can be both helpful and unhelpful.  What is important to consider is that because everything is connected, related and constantly impacting other parts of the system, there can be no blame on any one part.  No one person or part is the problem.  If there is a problem it is a system problem.   Any problem has multiple contributing factors as every part impacts the whole.  This is important to me because, I have frequently felt blamed and increasingly have felt labeled as a problem.  There is no individual solution either.   Solutions must be considered systemically.  A system cannot be “fixed” by “fixing” one part, the entire system must be considered.  Individual change must be mindfully considered as it affects the system. 

From my recent experiences, I can conclude that I am mostly  in the neutral zone although family gatherings may still stimulate an endings response.   I have fully recognized what has ended and what it means to me.  I have now however figured out what replaces what has ended.   Both my present and my future are ambiguous. For me everything is up for scrutiny and analysis.  I am in the process of redesigning my life, what I do and what I expect from myself and others.  This is both deep and personal and will undoubtedly have impacts on others close to me, some more than others.  I can hope for but not necessarily expect support and understanding from others in the system. With mindfulness on my part this too can hopefully be managed.

  My life’s work has been dedicated to helping others make sense of their experiences rationally.  Through increased awareness that theory and reflection brings I have endeavoured to enable intentional action to improve life and relationships.  This entry has provided the framework for my thinking about my personal change.   The subsequent blog entries will explore issues related more specifically to this transformation and explore and document what I have and will continue to learn through this process.   

 

After the Social

After the social

There are no rides for me
Perhaps no one thinks of how I came
Alone, without parents
Or maybe it’s that I’m Mormon
That no one offers
 It feels like that

I love to go

To be there with my friends
Laughing at jokes of farming
Singing old fashioned songs
A part of the community
Where I live

 Its dark very dark

Walking home alone
The gravel lumpy under my feet
I’ve done this before
The moon and stars are good for light
Crickets and my singing for company

Tonight is different

No moon
Only clouded stars
I want to be in the light
Safe in my house
Warm in my home

It’s just a little ways

A straight road
No turns, no shady bushes
For feeding dark imaginings 
Just the road I always walk
I tell myself
                       
Now the ditch to cross
With dark shadows of willow trees and
The lights of the house
My reason guides my search
I feel the difference that is the path
Grass , brushing my legs,
Directs my teetering steps
Down into the barrow pit
Then up, then down to the ditch

 It’s darker here

Black between the bushes
I can see nothing now
Nothing
How to walk the board over the
Cold unfriendly flow?
Not trusting my balance without sight
I feel the way across
Crouching, inching sideways with
Hands and feet grasping the board
Fear intensifying as I imagine
Falling into the inky abyss that is the ditch

Petrified

 I reach the other side and climb the bank
The path, now porch lighted
 Lets me run
Freed with seeing but
Pursued by terrors now released
I reach the door
Safe inside
I am breathless from my fear

 I stop to gather my self
Embarrassed by my hurrying
My loss of faith and courage
Was is silly to feel that way
Or silly to walk alone in the dark?
I do not know
But now
I am grateful for the light
Thankful for its redeeming power
 “You are home” my Mother calls
“Yes,” I reply, “I am home”

 

WHAT IS IT?

What is it about running in the cold

That is so wonderful
I mean really cold
Twenty five below zero cold.
Is it dressing head to toe in wool
Wearing the sweater that
Makes me flashy hot indoors and
Here feels cozy and smart
Is it the childish pretend of artic exploring
Feeling the wind bite the small sliver of face left naked
Joyfully watching the wind whip snow over ice
Perhaps it’s the Icelandic blood
Genetic belonging to the ice and snow
Hating the heat and sun of summer
Perhaps the wind swept solitude of the deserted street
No other runner in the dark and cold
Physical and raw and real
The wind at my back carries me down the street
Around the corner against the wind
I fight to keep my head up
Determined to persevere and finish
An escape from warmth and ease
Adversity and struggle
Testing resolve and courage
Against the raw strength of winter
With wise preparation triumphant
A metaphor of life
Lived in just thirty minutes

 

Standing Naked

The Russian hitter
Tall muscled power
Confident, relaxed

Easy strength
The intensity of the game over
Just a conversation in the locker room
 Uniform cast aside
Unconcerned with the admiration
``My autograph?
Of course”

Tight, tired

Everything binding
Anxiety inside and out
Can’t wait to rid myself of
The cover and pretense
The worry of being something
Other than what I am
All off, free, just skin
Alone, my body honest
Relaxed in my imperfection
Artifice gone

Another time of Light

Before you now
I have waited for this
Prepared and hopeful
All my life, wondering
How to account
Now there are no words
I am spiritually naked before You
You see me
Knowing all
You have always known
And yet there is no judgement 
I am perfected in my imperfection
By Your love and mercy
Acceptance and grace
All for me is

Gratitude and peace
I am home
 

My One Word Life

Feed, pet, saddle, ride

Throw, hit, jump, run
Straiten, tidy, clean, wash
Pretend, tell, direct, create
Practice, show, sing, perform
Ponder, pray, fast, covenant
Read, think, study, wish
Master, design, contract, speak
Try, fail, ask, succeed
Dialogue, analyze, advise, facilitate
Laugh, tease , flirt, be friends
Stroke, caress, kiss, release
Birth, feed, rock, love
Teach, play, watch, serve
Like, love, wish, want
Loan, give, help, coach
Offend, plead, cry, misunderstand
Talk, hurt, question, wonder,
Decide, retreat, stop, wait
Heal, change, grow, leave

 

Learning to Swim

Grown-ups swim in canals
They are deep and fast  
With swirling white water and
The possibility of undertow
That can grab and
Spit you out unpredictably
Into shallow water or endless whirlpool

The only way to get there is in a car
Bare legs sticking to the vinyl
In the back seat
Bumping over the cow path road
Glad big brother said yes
Suffering the teases that are
Payment for the ride and the lifeguarding

Ditches with drop boxes are for kids
They’re easy and fun
Just slippery mossy slides to shallow water
Sandy bottoms and warm water pooling by the banks
Hanging on the crossbars
Body pounded and tossed by the rushing water
Hot sun, best friend and giggly fun
No danger or need for grownup watching

The canal seems dangerous

But  its not really swimming
Just hold your breath and
Jump in the centre where the current is deep and fast
A short minute of fun and you’re in the shallow
Nothing to do but scramble up the bank
Dodge thistles and jump in again
And again and again

You can jump beside the white water

Out of the current
Into an inky whirlpool
Seems safe treading water
Floating around and around
In the dark shadow of the canal wall
Food for mosquitos and leeches

It’s all pretend swimming

The water pushing
First fast then
Gently slow in the shallow
Boring and safe
An illusion of competence and control

You can brave the centre

Try going against the current
Waves of bubbles in your face
Fighting to breathe
Closing your eyes
Using all your strength
Stuck then slipping back
Going nowhere

If you really want to swim
You have to go to a pool

Measured strokes and rhythmic breathing
Making your own waves and bubbles
Working, figuring how to go the distance
Endless practice

Better to have someone teach you

Than figure it out on your own
On your own
You can never get it right
Going back and forth
Always hard, always slow
Persevering but never better
An illusion of strength
Endlessly caught in a circle of incompetence
Pride and failure
Stuck like swimming upstream

The Trouble With the Prairie

The trouble with the prairie is

You need a horse

The prairie is high and wide and long

Steps are too small

Walking doesn’t  work on the landscape

There is so much to see and you`re stuck in one place

And the wind,

You miss the wind because you`re too short and slow

 

On a horse it’s different

You don`t stay in the same place

In no time you are on the top side of the hill.

In front a new horizon

Looking back you see

Where you have been

In the centre

Seeing the world from a new point,

You can feel the wind

Whipping your hair, drying your teeth

Its smell mixing with horse sweat and sage

On a horse you belong.

The endless sky, the dry grass, the blazing sun

Open space, real and always there.

 

The trouble with transition is

Moving to a different place

Doesn`t work when the steps are small

Stuck on the old side of the hill

With no horizon in front

You can’t be in the centre

And see it all

Just endless sameness sitting on the edge

Wondering

Where is the wind?

Where is the open space?

And for heaven’s sake

Where is my horse?