Tuesday, November 13, 2012


MY TEACHER, MY FRIEND 

 

Faster faster

I let you go

You are in charge now

Both of us free

 

I have to stop

I pull harder

Nothing works

You keep going

head tucked tight

Never slowing

You won’t be stopped by me

 

I trick you and let go

The surprise works,

You brake, then go, I trick again

 

I grab your mane to stay on

Too late, too fast

I fall in a heap

You grab a bite of grass

With haughty look

You say with your eyes,

What a waste

Get up

Get on

Let’s go

 

Don’t you know who you are?

That you shouldn’t try to win?

But you always do

Always in front

Walking, trotting, running

It’s all the same

 

It’s just you

Perfectly you

No thought no worry

Just do it

Just go

Let’s run

 

November 13, 2012

 

 

I Remember


 


I remember

First a twinge

Soon full out hand springs

Inside of me

You were becoming someone

Anxious for space you came out

So much to learn now, you and me

I watched you unfold

Growing, learning changing

 

I remember

The walks talks thoughts

The drives the rides the hurrying

Eating on the run

Teaching laughing crying worrying

And yes, fighting

To figure out who you were

Your place in the world

 

I stop

Dry my eyes and wonder

Do you remember?

So far away for you now that time
 
So close for me still

Shadows of a different world, our world

I wish, I wonder, I wait for your call

 

Esther Hudson, November 13, 2012

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Sides of Me

























I mostly grew up in Scandia, a community originally settled by people from Sweden or Norway. Scandia is a hamlet and today has 46 “dwellings”.  Many more than when I lived there.  There was a lumber yard, an apiary, a general store, a school and the grain elevator but pretty much everyone in the community farmed – mostly mixed farming. 

 

There was little diversity – just religion. The three “established” religions were Lutheran (Missouri Synod), United Church of Canada and Roman Catholic.  I quickly found that being “Mormon” was not okay.  Overhearing derogatory remarks on the party telephone, a best friend who could never “sleep over” and being challenged by my grade three classmates about my non-attendance at church all got the message through.  Being told not to “fold my arms” during the Lord’s prayer by a grade three teacher who told me she had gone to the Mormon church and they didn’t do that had me learn to hide any religious differences.    I became adept at avoiding “Mormon” language and terms.  I kept my activities - Primary, Young Women’s, summer camp to myself. 

 

These experiences did not lessen my testimony and love of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I compared all community experiences to my church experiences and the community ones always came up lacking.  The Sunday meetings of our little branch in Rainer were what were real.  It felt like home there. Stake Girls Camp was a wonderful time.  To be surrounded with so many girls who all spoke the same language and had the same religious experiences was wonderful.  I quickly made friend with girls from Rosemary, Barnwell, Taber and Bow Island. There are women who I still hug and are excited to see almost 50 years later from those brief summer camping days.

 

The church continued to be a central part of what I did and who I was.  My identify was forged as a member of the church.  It was what I loved, what I did and defined what I strived to be.  I had wonderful role models, Arlene Evans in particular, women who were strong and intelligent and questioning.  I saw myself like that and wanted to have what they had, a temple marriage to a true friend and a family.  My patriarchal blessing assured me that I was on track with being who Heavenly Father wanted me to be. 

 

When I dated, after several short relationships, I chose the most religious boy in the school to date.  Although he didn’t understand all the doctrine of the church, he was committed to living a spiritual life.  We shared a love of the Saviour.  We dated for several years and I really loved him.  I came to realize however that unless he shared my testimony of the restored church he could never really understand who I was.  That was too much a part of me.   I shared this with him.  He later investigated the church and without my knowledge, was baptized.  He said it was not because of me, but that the missionaries had taught him more about the Saviour than he had ever known.  I believed him.  When I prayed about whether we should marry, the answer was clearly no.  His parents would never have accepted me and likely him either.  They were “Evangelical Free” members, devoted and his father would not talk to me when I visited. 

 

I married and had children and developed a professional life.  I had a lot of problem integrating the two sides of myself – the life as a Mormon wife and mother and a professional consultant.  It was easy to hide my Mormon self from my professional colleagues.  That was just like being in Scandia.  It was not hard to hide my professional role from people at church.  With those that would not understand, I simply adopted the same behaviours I used with non-members colleagues.  I didn’t want to have to do that however.  I wanted to be able to be my whole self all of the time.  When I found people with whom I could share both sides of myself, they were my best, deepest and dearest friends.  I was fortunate to always have some of these women in each ward where I lived. I am 

 

I have learned over the years to feel comfortable with both sides of myself and have learned that I can expect to have varying degrees of closeness with other people.  I find now that my best friends are usually those who understand spirituality and who are interested in exploring ideas.  For my non Mormon friends that usually means that they are religious.  It matters little to me whether other women are employed.  Neither does it matter how old someone is.  It is really valuing thoughtful mindful growth.  I care about that so much.  When that thoughtful mindful growth includes a commitment to the Saviour within the organization of the church, there is total comfort and freedom to talk about what matters most to me.  I am most able to be who I really am.  I can freely give and receive in the quest for wisdom and knowledge. 

 

Sometimes people and relationships change, prompted by personal experiences.  That has happened rarely with friends but it has happened.  It was very painful.  It can also happen with family members.  For me it is always fraught with pain, grief and anguish.  I am experiencing it now and there are times that I am overwhelmed with the loss.  What will I do without the closeness and the peace that comes with that trust?  I feel like a part of me is dying.  I am not just losing the other person as a friend and confidant, I am also losing myself and my world is narrowing and becoming smaller.  I am trying to face the fact that I will have to adopt once more the old careful behaviours that constrained me for so much of my life.  It is confusing and I do not know how to proceed.  I don’t really know how to use these behaviours with people who I love so deeply.  Perhaps because I don’t want to. The scriptures often talk about experiences that “words cannot express”.  I understand the difficulty and wish I was more able to express these feelings perhaps even to myself. 

Friday, May 28, 2010

Its May 28!







Yup! this is what we woke up to today in Edgemont. Of course just down the hill there is no snow. Please note the flowers on the Mayday and crabapple tree. Not sure if you can see the geraniums in our neighbours flowers boxes. Anne thinks Calgary is the pits. And to think that on Tuesday I got hot playing tennis! Apparently it was 40 with humidex in Ottawa on Thursday. Not sure where I'd rather be.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Memories of Primary

Yesterday at the Stake Relief Society Spring Women’s Conference the Stake Primary President gave a talk about the Articles of Faith and the importance of learning them to help children. Her words brought back wonderful memories of Primary. The first memories I have was of “release time” Primary in grade one in Cardston. I remember holding hands in pairs and walking from the school to the church. It felt like a special outing every week. Singing time was the best! The Chorister taught us “ the Golden Plates” and had the real gold plates there to show us. Of course it was just a homemade replica but I think that I really thought they were genuine. It certainly made an impact on me and I loved that song. “ Tell Me the Stories of Jesus” and “I have Two Little Hands” also made a big impact. It felt so good to be in Primary.

When we moved to Lethbridge when I was seven, we were in Third Ward and met in the 10th Ave Chapel. Primary was on Saturday morning and I would sometime ride my bike there. We lived at 1011-32nd street and I am surprised to see how far it was from the church. I remember being a “Co-Pilot” when I was seven and then being a “Top-Pilot” when I turned eight. That was before CTR’s. I can’t think of the justification of those class names. I think Sunbeams is the only name that survived from that time.

I was very conscious of preparing for baptism and remember learning about Jesus and the many miracles that he performed. I remember learning the names of his disciples and making a play dough replica of a real Jewish house. I still remember the design – how there were flat roofs where laundry was hung and where people could look down on the street. I had never had home made play dough like that and I was excited when my mother made it from a recipe that the Primary teacher had sent home. It seemed magical to watch the flour, salt and water turn into clay. Making the house was a homework assignment and it was fun watching it turn hard like a real clay house.

When we moved to Scandia in the spring of grade 3, my Primary experience was much different. We became members of the Rainier Branch and we met in Alcoma School. There were only about 30 people and I could probably name most of them still. The branch was like a big family. There were only a few young people and so I was so lucky to have a girl my own age, Merle Caldwell. She was the youngest of a big family like me and it was great to go to her house for sleepovers. Her Dad wasn’t a member but her Mom was and it felt like being at home at the Caldwells. I know now that it was likely the Spirit that I felt.

The sisters in the Relief Society were all like other mothers. They had strong testimonies and did what was right. They managed and organized everything and took care of each other and everyone else. They all had lots of responsibilities in the Branch and they never turned down callings. When people were sick we all fasted and prayed. I knew that they were special and real and could be depended on. My mother and my sister Marion were like that and for me, being a woman meant being those things – kind, responsible, dependable, and active in Relief Society. Being a member of the church was really important because other people in the community were different. They excluded us from things and my parents, especially my mother who was shy, didn’t have much to do with them.

Because we were a branch, our meetings were in a block on Sunday. We had Sacrament meeting, Sunday School and then Priesthood/Relief Society and Primary opening exercises. I remember having to wait after the Primary part of over and having fun running around the halls in the school. It was an old style school. You came in the front doors and if you were a teacher or an adult you went up the front stairs. Boys and girls had separate stair ways that went to the coatrooms and bathrooms. If you had a classroom on the boy’s side you couldn’t go down those stairs, you could only go through a door in the hallway down stairs.

I loved Primary music and spent hours practicing the new music that came out as sheet music. We were still using the old turquoise “Children’s Sing” book and the new cool music came out in sheets. Marion was the Primary President and so I got to have all the music. Songs like “I wonder when He comes again” and “When ever I hear the song of a bird” were all new ones. I was the Primary pianist when I was eleven and I remember making so many mistakes because I couldn’t play everything that they would ask for at the last minute. Janice was the pianist in Sacrament Meeting and I was the chorister from the time I was ten. I still have bad habits that I developed from teaching myself how to lead.

One of the best experiences I had in Primary was singing in Stake Conference in a Primary Chorus. We learned and sang the Light Divine. I am sure we sang something else too but I can’t remember what it was. I still love that song because it reminds me of that experience. Linda Tanner Layton’s mother Hazel Tanner was the chorister and I will never forget her. She made it so fun and spiritual. Her enthusiasm and amazingly expressive face kept my attention and held me spell bound. I loved Stake Conference because the talks were so interesting. Those were the days of two sessions – morning and afternoon that everyone went to. We would take a lunch and wait the two hours in between to attend the second session.

The last three years in Primary the boys were separate from the girls. We were called Lihomas that was short for Little Homemakers. Nine year olds were Gaynotes and our symbol was a musical note. Ten year olds were Firelights and our symbol was ….. you guessed it a fire in a fireplace. Eleven year olds were Merryhands….. and yup symbol was a pair of hands holding the New Testament. Our motto was I will bring the light of the gospel into my home by greeting the day with a song, giving joy to others and by serving gladly. In Gaynotes we learned to do cross stitch and did a sampler of the motto. In Firelights we learned to crochet and I made a lace border around a handkerchief. In Merry Hands we were supposed to learn to knit but my Mom could teach me how to cross stitch and crochet but she didn’t know how to knit. Sister Link taught me how but I didn’t learn very well and still can’t do it.

We had a bandlo to put our awards on. A bandlo was a piece of felt (turquoise in colour in this case) that was in the shape of a V that you could hang around your neck. There were requirements of things to learn and when you passed your requirements you got “stuff” to put on your bandlo. There was a pretty round glass picture for each year. There were twelve scriptures to learn each year and for each scripture you got a little rhinestone. There were other requirements that also had glass pictures and rhinestones. I, of course, did all the requirements and I still have my bandlo. I made a cute little pink felt bag for my New Testament and I still have it too.

In our Branch, our Primary lessons were taught by our mothers and of course my mother was my teacher. We never missed our lessons. She would come up to my room and sit on the end of my bed. My room was a gable room that had only enough space to have a dresser and a bed. The closet was so small that the Ella’s and Alice’s would look huge in comparison. I am really grateful for my mother being my teacher. She was shy and didn’t talk about a lot of things, especially personal things like her testimony. In fact I can never remember hearing her bear her testimony. She was not demonstrative or made a big deal out of teaching the gospel. She just lived it really. Being my teacher gave us the opportunity to have teaching moments that we were not likely to have had any other way. She taught me to pray, to use the scriptures and all of the other things about the gospel that you learn in Primary because she was my teacher. She helped me learn scriptures, the Articles of Faith and I got to answer every question. I appreciate her so much for what she did for me.

It was very much because of the experiences that I had in the branch in Rainier and later in Vauxhall that gave me a strong testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It is this testimony that I attribute all of my blessing to and the joy that life has brought to me.

This is what I found on the internet about the bandlo. I had wanted to post a picture but alas there wasn’t one. I wanted to include it so that I would have a record of it.

The bandlos of the 1960s were similar in spirit but somewhat different in design from earlier versions. Of pale green felt, they bore a more modern house near the point. Class symbols appropriate to the new names of classes were awarded at the beginning of each year. Round photographs a little smaller than an American nickle and covered with glass depicted a girl praying (earned when a girl learned to open and close a meeting using an appropriate prayer format and prayer language), a girl reading the New Testament (earned when a girl could meet requirements for locating scripture verses in the New Testament), wheat (symbolizing the Word of Wisdom) and the priesthood monument on Temple Square (representing the priesthood), after the girl met requirements related to those subjects. Plastic numbers 1-4, 5-9, and 10-13 represented memorization of the Articles of Faith. Rows of rhinestones represented attendance at Primary and memorization of scripture verses. Jewels attached to each class symbol indicated the girl had attended Primary at least 40 times during the year. Jewels glued to the windows of the house represented completion of an article of cross stitch, knitting, and crocheting. Jewels descending from the house represented memorization of the books of the New Testament; recitation of facts about the eight men who wrote the books of the New Testament; and recitation of a story in a girl’s own words about someone in the New Testament who “served gladly.” A white plastic scroll symbolized graduation from Primary.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Crocuses



Ahhhhhh! Spring at last has come to Calgary with 19 degree weather. The crocuses are out in full bloom . They are the first of the flowers on the hill of course. Running this morning I realized there is much to learn from the humble crocus.
1. Crocuses are the first flowers every spring. Taking the risk and setting the trend can be be scary but rewarding too - less competition and more recognition and appreciation.
2. Crocuses seem to love growing together. Hanging together is great. Life is easier when we share the struggles.
3. Crocuses grow up through grass but not crazy thick grass. Being tough is great but there is no point it carrying it to extremes.
4. Crocuses grow best on the sunniest side of the hill. We all should pay attention to staying in the light.
5. Sometimes there are white crocuses in a clump of purple. Even in a family we can afford to be really different from one another.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Memories of Baby Calves

Today during Brother Nelson’s talk on Family History, I began thinking about a blog and what I could write next. I immediately thought of how much I had enjoyed driving through Montana this week and seeing brand new calves with their mothers. I immediately went and down loaded pictures that I have used in this blog. On my return to listen to more of conference, the next speaker related a story about cows and calves.

I really think that humans become more attractive as they grow from babyhood. Cattle are quite the opposite. There is nothing more perfectly adorable than a brand new baby calf. Their coat is soft and clean and wonderful to touch. They are playful and curious and just like human babies, they have a lot to learn. Here are some pictures to show how sweet they can be.



When I was eleven years old my parents had 12 milk cows. Janice and I would take turns going out in the field to bring the cows in for milking. We would sometime walk but I mostly remember riding bareback to bring them to the barn. Sometimes the cows would come into the barn on their own, especially if we were late milking them. The cows liked to be milked to relieve the pressure of full udders. A good dairy cow makes much too much milk to feed her calf. If they were to keep their calves, the calves would get sick with scours and die from too much milk. Scours was kind of like really bad diarrhea.

My mother separated the milk using a cream separator. It was a cool machine that spun the milk around inside a bunch of disks and somehow – magically, the cream came out one spout and the milk the other. Here is a picture. This was a hand one which I remember having but the but the one we used was burgundy coloured and was electric. Mom saved the cream in big buckets in the fridge and sold it in big cans on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The dairy in Brooks bought it and picked it up at the Post Office in Scandia. I have never seen cream to buy like this cream. It was yellow and so thick you could almost slice it. The milk came out fast from the separated and made thick foam. Our barn cats liked to eat the foam. I thought it was like candy to them.



We bought more calves to feed the extra milk to and so we had to teach the calves how to drink from a bucket. To do this I learned to stand with the calf between my legs and got the calf to suck two of my fingers. Then I would push the calf’s head down into the milk. While still sucking my finger, the calf would drink. Gradually I would take out my fingers. At first the calf would immediately throw its head up looking for my fingers but soon it wouldn’t need fingers and would learn to just drink the milk. The calves never got used to not sucking though. They were like babies and needed to suck. After I fed them I would let them have turns sucking my fingers for a soother. They also would suck each others ears and other parts too yucky to talk about.

Each of the calves had a name. I especially remember Ferdinand . He was a tall lanky Holstein who was especially smart and friendly. When he grew up and became a very tall, large steer, he still remembered being a calf and recognized my mother. He wanted her to pet him and followed her, much to her chagrin. I can still remember my easily frightened mother walking quickly away, waving her hand behind her and yelling, “Ferdinand, GO AWAY!” Here are some pictures of Holstein calves like the ones I fed on a bucket.

In the spring, we would also have to round up the cows and calves on the lease (you can see a picture of the lease on our family room wall) and bring them home for branding and castrating. Cows with calves are very frustrating to drive. The calves are little and get tired and soon fall behind, getting lost from their mothers. The cows would then become upset that they didn’t have their calves and would turn around and come back to find them, smelling each stray calf until they found their own. If a calf got frightened by the horse on the lease, and ran away, it was almost impossible to get them back into the herd. They seemed to have no natural herd instinct and would just keep galloping away. The trick was to get them to stop running.

Our lease was on the west side of the Bow River at Scandia and our farm was about 3 miles away. Part of the way home was along highway 36. The last mile was up a coutry road past a lot of farms and driveways. The first challenge was to get the cows to go onto the bridge. Cows were easier than yearlings. They were like teenagers, with a lot of energy. They were kind of crazy and often just got running, sometimes I thought, just for the fun of it. My Dad would get pretty mad if this happened since they ran off fat and beef on the hoof is sold by the pound.

I had a cow that had been my special calf. I had gone to an auction with my Dad and bought her for $35. I named her Mitzi. She was a Holstein cow but didn’t give very much milk so she got to keep her calves like the beef cows. She was kind of an adventurer cow and an athlete. She liked to crawl through fences and was all in all a free spirit. She was great to have in the herd however because she knew exactly where to go and was always at the front of the herd. She never worried about her calf. Her calves just had to keep up. As soon as we let the gate open she would head right for the bridge and straight on home. She made all the right turns, never turning into the wrong gate. All the other cows just followed. My Dad sold one of her calves to pay for our wedding - $600.

Here are some pictures of a roundup that looked very much like our herd of cattle. We had mostly Herefords ( brown with white faces) and a very few Holstein/Hereford crosses that were black with white faces. There are a few other breeds black Angus cattle for example, in this picture. We didn’t have any of those. I am not sure why.