Pushing Myself

I am obsessed this summer with exercise. When we came back from a holiday in Utah and Shuswap Lake, I just really wanted to keep playing and playing for me is about sports – anything athletic. I was pretty depressed at first because, Anne is no longer interested in going swimming, in line skating, riding bicycles and so I was left to do things on my own. Now I am just all about getting fit so I am doing a bunch of things to fun. I swim a couple of times a week managing between 20 and 30 lengths, 1/3 are breaststroke the rest crawl. I ride down to Kensington to meet my husband and then ride back with him about 3 times a week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there and 45 time ride back to Dalhousie. I lift weights and will be adding some ball exercises. I try to do my yoga stuff about twice a week and I run on the hill at least once or twice a week.

My problem with it all is I never feel like it get really good at any of it – you know, really fit. It could be that I am 56 years old, not consistent enough, don’t really have good technique at anything or what I really believe - I am not pushing myself enough. How do you tell? Weight watchers uses sweat as a barometer. If you sweat within a certain amount of time it’s worth a certain amount of points. That’s crazy. Sometimes walking can make you sweat if it’s hot and I never sweat when I am swimming. The skipping book said that if you get nauseated then you have pushed yourself too hard. I sometimes stop and do the heart rate thing but finding my heart beat is hard when you are puffing.

How hard I work seems to vary with the activity. I know I can really work hard on a tread mill and when I am climbing a hill on a bike – really sweat, puff, get weak.... I can’t ever seem to make myself winded when I swim – maybe it’s the drowning thing and the convenient end of the pool to stop and rest. I can only tell if I have worked hard weightlifting the next day – did I get really stiff or not? I don’t think I know how to work hard doing yoga.

Anyhow this all begs the larger question about the whole self assessment thing. It doesn’t seem like it would ever be valid. Just yesterday I was thinking about this pushing myself thing and running. I had done pretty well – gone farther than usual around the hill and only walked twice briefly. I wanted to finish the distance – you know run up the last very long hill. I was sweating and not really weak but then I realized that I was starting to feel nauseated – a sure sign. I stopped and took my heart rate and it was 165. Well I guess I had pushed myself since my maximum is supposed to be 144. I should have known, but actually I had not idea. Before the nausea I just felt lazy.

Anyhow, so if I can’t even tell about whether I am pushing myself running up a hill. How can I ever self assess anything accurately, for example, whether I am truly working hard in my consulting business? I am signing up for a new doctorate program that requires a lot of self evaluation. That really worries me. Will I be too hard or too arrogant and lenient? Perhaps the most important question is, how can I judge my own personal righteousness and determine whether I am ready or will ever be able to stand before the Lord and report with any degree of confidence that I did all I could do. I can’t help thinking, like my current fitness level, my effort is really paltry. It’s a good thing that in relation to personal righteousness, Christ makes up the difference because I know that I will be as pathetic assessing my whole life as I am at calibrating my personal sweat index.

General Conference

Last week-end was general conference and we were able to sit and watch every session. It was amazing and inspiring. The most moving and spiritual talk for me was Sister Tanners. Here is the conclusion to her talk. She expresses so well my feelings and testimony.
"I delight in the Lord’s mercies and miracles (see “Bless Our Fast, We Pray,” Hymns, no. 138). I know that His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real. They come in His way and on His timetable. Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity. Jesus’s disciples on the Sea of Galilee had to toil in rowing against a contrary wind all through the night before Jesus finally came to their aid. He did not come until the “fourth watch,” meaning near dawn. Yet He did come. (See Mark 6:45–51.) My testimony is that miracles do come, though sometimes not until the fourth watch.

Right now I am exerting my faith and prayers and watching for miracles in behalf of loved ones who are physically sick, emotionally bereft, and spiritually astray. I delight in the Lord’s love for each of His children and in His wisdom to allow us individually tailored earthly experiences.

Finally, I delight in, more than I can express, the eternal love and constant help of my husband and the prayers and support of my children and parents during these years of my service as Young Women general president.

“My soul delighteth in the things of the Lord” (2 Nephi 4:16)—His law, His life, His love. To delight in Him is to acknowledge His hand in our lives. Our gospel duty is to do what is right and to love and delight in what is right. When we delight to serve Him, our Father in Heaven delights to bless us. “I, the Lord, . . . delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end” (D&C 76:5). I want to be worthy always of His delight. “I love the Lord, in Him my soul delights” (“I Love the Lord,” Jackman Music Corporation). In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

For those of you interested in reading more of this talk and other General Conference addresses go to www.lds.org and follow the link on the first item - General COnference. These can be be viewed on streaming video or downloaded as a document.

Road show memories

Saturday was the road show performance in the West Stake. Apparantly it was the first ones in about 30 years. I was the director for our ward’s production and Andy wrote the script - sort of - the ideas and major structure. There were others who did choregraphy and scripting too. It was really great to not have to worry about getting it all done in a very short time because there were other very responsible and talented people working on it too. We only had 4 rehearsals which is extremely short. Ours won the “most creative” award. Anne said our script reminded her of a group project where people have crazy ideas that they won’t let go of and so have to be included in the script. She was right. We had to include a “living fountain” where statues move and actually spit/spew out streams of water and the bishopric dressed up like a motorcycle gang and riding kids miniature motor bikes. Andy came up with the idea of Family Idol and I had kids improvise comments about immature parent behaviour. Yup – pretty random. We got a lot of laughs – especially the fountain. It made Andy and I remember another road show – 36 years ago where he and I won the best actor and best actress award and he surprised me with a kiss on stage in the final scene of our ward’s production. Who would know that a roadshow could be a life changing event.

I tried to download/upload? an example for you to see but couldn't figure out how to do it. One to give you an idea is CNU TONiGHT's living fountain from gooselaugh 007. We used the same ENYA song and the same togas and pitchers. I used living fountain + cruise to get it.

Crocuses and Poppies

I had a great run this morning and particularly loved seeing all the crocuses in bloom. They have been out for a couple of weeks but are really all over now. That doesn't seem particularly odd today since it is a pleasant though brisk spring day. Yesterday was 22 degrees and crazy hot. What is more amazing is that just last Thursday there was 4 inches of snow on this same hill. The crocuses are unphased by it all. It made me think - which is always good when I am running - why do they come out so early. I immediately thought about them being brave and strong - weathering frost, snow and heat - whatever weather happens. Maybe on the other hand they are just afraid of insects and want to avoid that plague at any cost.

I also thought about my own interest in courage. When I was in Beehives we had what was called Bandlos - a felt banner kind of thing that you wore diagonally over one shoulder across the chest. It had symbols of awards that were won etc. We had to pick a flower that was a metaphor for the virtures that we were aspiring to. I chose the poppy because it symbolizes courage, bravery and strength. I wonder now whether in that choice I set a course for myself or I simply gave words to what already was a defining value. I have included a picture of myself at that age to give some context.

Misty

I found a picture of Misty

Travesty of democracy

Another election in Alberta and another sweep by the PCs. They took two of the 4 ND seats, 7 of the Liberal's 16 and even got the one Wildrose Alliance seat (the crazy right winger from Cardston). I am dismayed, discouraged and disolutioned with the political process. How and why did it happen? There was so much optimism about the need for change and that it was the time. The Liberals were poised for a breakthrough. Dad mostly, but me too, had invested time in helping out our Rhodes Scholar Liberal candidate.

Is it that Albertans really are a bunch of mindless sheep? In spite of the fact that the conservatives have been the authors of everything that is bad in this province, we vote for them anyway? By slashing and burning in the 90's this government has created the infrastructure deficit, the education and health care crisis, the housing shortage with its homelessness and exacerbated the employment issue with uncontrolled economic growth. Still with the thinking that is applied to the issues,they are the teflon government - nothing sticks. Is there no cause and effect thinking here?

Or is it that winning elections is really just about power and money. We are to be sure caught in the "success to the successful" systems archetype. The more you have the more you get. They had millions to spend on the election and they did. The liberals were a million dollars in debt and they couldn't get their story out. We know who will get the donations now. We are caught in the vicious circle and we all feed into it.

Is it about personality? Do we prefer stupid politicians? Stelmach is not like Kline. Kline advertized his lack of education. Stelmach is just steady Eddy, dull boring and can hardly put a sentence together. He is at his best, sweet and good and kind.... and not too bright. Doesn't intimidate anyone with his style. Taft is also dull and boring but brilliant intellectually and it shows. He got cudos from all of the interest groups and political scientists for the well thought out and reasonable platform. The pcs on the other hand did the, "we are going to spend and fix everything, all at once" platform. Do we like politicians who don't threaten our own shakey confidence?

Is it just about smart strategy? Stelmach moved his party to the left and so gave the Liberals and ND nowhere to go. They stole their base. Are the pc's just successful at doing what John Kenneth Galbraith said about good leaders - nothing more than able to voice what is already wanted. There are no fundamental values - just calculated shifts to stay in power. Have they retained power for so long,not be they are good or effective at taking us where we should or could go because they are just so good at giving voice to our own poorly thought out wants?

Is it about us and our need for absolute certainty in an uncertain world? Are we comfortable in this province with a one party system because it eliminates dialogue and conflict and we are conflict aversive? Is it comforting in this world of increasing diversity to be part of a group - a team that all wears the same colour and thinks just the same? I can't help it. I want a new team. We there isn't one and won't be for a long time. We have what we have and we will have it for at least another 4 years. I should be used to it. Its been the same for the last 30!

Any one who wants more info on the election go here and check out Alberta votes. Check out the faces. I couldn't figure out how to add them.

Musings on Winning

It’s a fairly established idea that losing is hard for anyone to take. Setting goals, working hard, putting all you have into something, only to come up short and lose is framed as either character building or soul destroying. Our choice, the motivators of the world say. What do we make of our failures? Examples of famous perseverance are quoted - Diefenbaker who lost 4 elections and eventually became Prime Minister. Keep trying and you too will win. My cynical self wonders how many failures of the world have done then and actually never won. Should have given up at the beginning. The personal experience of losing however is not my concern in this musing. What is, is the meaning of losing to others who watch.

This week-end Anne had 3 playoff basketball games in 24 hours. These rounded out a week of 8 basketball games and practices in 6 days. Friday her school team was playing for the Division championship, have beaten their closest rival by only one point on Wednesday in a nail biter. Friday the same close game was repeated only this time to see them lose in overtime by one point. Anne was not happy with her playing and, had she made her usual number of points, likely the outcome would have been different. She is arguably one of the very best players and plays almost the whole game every game on that team.

On Saturday the losing was repeated as her community first won another close game against a bunch of giants. The final game for them in the afternoon that would have given them the bronze in the A division, saw them blow a 10 point lead and lose by, you guessed it, only a couple of points. Anne’s take on it was - no big deal, they couldn't go to the provincials anyway.

My take on it? These losses came at the end of a very long and difficult week and seemed like a metaphor for my life. Almost winning but not. I had so wanted Anne to win. Winning seemed important, almost life and death at the time. Why? Because it was someone I loved who lost. I think it was not the winning or the losing but the meaning I put on it.

I thought about my own athletic career and remembered my favourite volleyball game ever. It was in the Canadian National Junior championships. We were fortunate to be there. We were ranked 3rd in the province even though our school had only 250 students and had beaten the junior teams from UofC and UofA to get there. We had a hippy for a coach who was a visionary leader but not an athlete. The game I was thinking about was against a team from Montreal. It was so close with long rallies and hard fought points and ... we lost. And, I didn't care. It was a thrill to play so well, so hard and winning didn't matter. I just felt good and that was all it meant. It really was like the cliche, how I played the game and not about winning or losing.

On another note - cudo's to Andrew R and his basketball team. He has taken talented individuals and turned them into a wonderful and winning team. They were great to watch last night as they trounced Winston Churchill.